3.If you're wandering around in a horrified daze, pinching yourself repeatedly then staring blankly at the welt on your skin that is definitely, definitely there, you could buy this.
4.But if you're blowing up balloons for tonight's party, you should get this.
5.If you're a gentle person who's into sewing, but you've spent the last two months planning survival strategies for the apocalypse and, by god, you need to calm down and just sew and think and breathe, you could get this.
6.But if you're totally stoked right now you could get this.
7.If you're on the verge of a panic attack and can't feel the tips of your fingers for some reason, you could buy this.
8.But if you're pumping the air for the 18th time today, you'll like this.
9.If you just want to wake up from this terrible nightmare, you could buy this.
10.But if today is the dawn of something amazing, you'll want this.
11.If you've asked a loved one how the frigging tits you're going to get through the next four years, you might like this.
12.But if you've got the same feeling you have when you take the first mouthful of a delicious lasagne – like, "This is amazing but I'm sad because at some point it will be over" – you might prefer this.
13.If you urgently need to take your anger out on something, you could get this.
14.But if you're feeling a little bit smug today this would be better.
15.If you're exhausted from fury and sadness, disappointment and fear, frustration and panic, you could get this.
16.But if you've got friends coming round to watch the inauguration and you're going to shed a tear of happiness, and also you really like chia seeds, this is better.
17.If you're trying to see the funny side but honestly you can't, nothing's funny anymore, nothing, then you might like these.
18.But if you're roasting a massive chicken, glazing carrots, and piping your own profiteroles in honour of today's hallowed proceedings, you'll need this.