Buzz·Posted on Oct 30, 2014The 85 Funniest Tweets Of All TimeEach year we tweet nearly 200 billion times. These are the only 85 that matter.by Tanner GreenringBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. 2. Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns 11:50 PM - 12 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Mos Def Leppard @JohnielDan How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it. 01:17 AM - 27 Feb 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Brian Essbe @SortaBad Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba 04:39 AM - 05 Aug 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon 4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it 09:30 PM - 28 Nov 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. i aint even Bill Nye @Bill_Nye_tho I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER 03:07 AM - 31 Aug 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Charlene deGuzman @charstarlene Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana. 03:08 AM - 07 Jan 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. tony logan @tnylgn Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that. 10:56 PM - 07 Oct 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. rob delaney @robdelaney "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen 04:23 PM - 05 Jun 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. 11. chuuch @ch000ch hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it 05:08 PM - 19 Oct 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. @TitansHomer @TitansHomer Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times. 11:03 PM - 28 Dec 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian 05:20 PM - 24 Jul 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Scotty @MarylandMudflap Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?" 04:11 PM - 26 Apr 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. 16. blake @Leemanish Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses. 05:33 PM - 24 Mar 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Cool Eric @OBiiieeee "Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves* 11:19 AM - 10 Jul 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Megan Amram @meganamram Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads 10:04 PM - 25 Apr 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Artie Johann @DearAnyone "Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Shorts 06:14 PM - 09 Dec 2010 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. 21. Guy Endore-Kaiser @GuyEndoreKaiser If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day. 04:11 PM - 19 Nov 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Mike Leffingwell @mikeleffingwell STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION. 03:23 AM - 23 Mar 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. brendan @superduperkewl This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf? 03:33 AM - 15 Sep 2011 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat 03:42 PM - 29 Aug 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. 26. Joshua Allen @fireland Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much. 05:08 PM - 30 Jun 2009 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Damn Dirty Ape @Zaius13 The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation. 08:23 PM - 28 Jul 2010 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Dave D (im a skelton @davedittell waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup 04:35 AM - 11 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. Shari VanderWerf @shariv67 My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it. 09:59 PM - 10 Jul 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. Darin Ross @luckyshirt The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms. 03:08 AM - 13 Aug 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. RoughDiction @roughdiction Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children. 02:39 PM - 03 Aug 2009 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Beard Spice @BeardSpice "Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay" 09:32 PM - 30 Sep 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. Brian Gaar @briangaar Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious 08:51 PM - 14 Nov 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. MattyTalks @mattytalks Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches 08:55 PM - 08 Jan 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. 36. halloween lindsey @Lindzeta when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school" 05:49 AM - 15 Jan 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins. 03:34 AM - 30 Nov 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 38. Simon Barrett @Simon_Barrett Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest. 04:54 PM - 08 May 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 39. Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward. 12:13 AM - 19 Aug 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 40. 41. Orenthal J Simpkinsn @jsaffle1 *walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you? 07:57 AM - 06 Apr 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 42. Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin [me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis 03:21 AM - 01 Oct 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 43. Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job 05:29 PM - 19 Oct 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 44. David Hughes @david8hughes [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye." 03:41 PM - 01 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 45. Chelsea Hell @Chelsea_Elle Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom. 08:20 PM - 16 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 46. Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott "You CAN even." - white girl life coach 10:30 PM - 19 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 47. Derek Lawler @RowdyBowden Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. 05:00 PM - 13 Mar 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 48. Grenade Spice @shadygrenade *approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?" 11:52 AM - 05 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 49. k e e t @KeetPotato he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest 11:03 AM - 21 Feb 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 50. 51. Sage Booooggs @sageboggs I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter 04:13 PM - 05 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 52. Scare-ann Dolan @EireannDolan "Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding 08:38 PM - 28 Dec 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 53. Elle O'Lantern @ElleOhHell I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler." 02:50 PM - 01 May 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 54. Justin Furano @JustinFurano I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it. 02:30 PM - 13 Feb 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 55. Zebulon Sneed @swarthyvillain please tell me. i must defeat him 03:09 PM - 11 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 56. shut up, mike @shutupmikeginn Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing 09:59 PM - 26 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 57. Witchy Woman @dreamthievin I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream. 12:30 AM - 30 Jan 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 58. Mike PrimaveryScary @primawesome Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words. 06:55 PM - 04 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 59. moody monday @mdob11 "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter. 06:54 AM - 23 Sep 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 60. Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture. 12:15 AM - 22 May 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 61. Tim @Playing_Dad Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves 01:11 AM - 03 Sep 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 62. Jason Miller @longwall26 Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not." 11:31 PM - 23 Jul 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 63. Ace... Ace? @AceMakesWords How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try 09:51 AM - 12 Apr 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 64. wint @dril if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war 12:31 AM - 28 Jul 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 65. 66. Local Deadbody @MrPhetz A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom 02:08 PM - 25 Jun 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 67. frankenmustard @nice_mustard hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine 07:05 PM - 03 Sep 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 68. sreegs @ahuj9 a steak pun is a rare medium well done 05:01 PM - 16 Sep 2011 Reply Retweet Favorite 69. Beard Spice @BeardSpice Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL 10:58 PM - 22 May 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 70. 71. Big Money Rowlf @iRowlf I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some. 08:05 PM - 04 Apr 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 72. Jamie Woodham @jwoodham DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football. 06:14 PM - 14 Feb 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 73. Brendan O'Hare @brendohare DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool 12:58 AM - 08 Aug 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 74. wint @dril BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES 04:29 PM - 11 Oct 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 75. Matt Ingebretson @mattingebretson My new business cards just came in 05:01 PM - 15 Apr 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 76. Social Extortion @SocialExtortion cop: where were you last night? shakira: at home sleeping shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place shakira: son of a 04:06 PM - 26 Oct 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 77. Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible "I wrote a poem," he threatened 01:16 PM - 20 Sep 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 78. Jason Miller @longwall26 FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong. 12:04 AM - 04 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 79. frankenmustard @nice_mustard what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles 05:42 PM - 19 Sep 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 80. 81. Pumpkinbblesmith @kibblesmith Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies 03:12 AM - 16 Aug 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 82. Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there. 12:43 AM - 29 Jan 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 83. Scott Thompson @greenteam15 I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard 02:26 PM - 13 Aug 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 84. adam @AdamTheLobster I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time. 10:10 PM - 22 Feb 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 85.