1. A leaky garbage bag will always drip on your sock.
2. A dustpan will pick up all the dust in your house – except for one perfect line right at its edge.
3. The sun will always manage to find the gap between the two visors in a car.
4. You will always turn on the fan when you want to turn on the light, and vice versa.
5. A cashier will always place your change on the counter when you hold your hand out for it, and vice versa.
6. A cat will always prefer the box the bed came in to the bed itself.
7. The driver going 5 under the speed limit will always speed up to 5 over the limit as soon as you attempt to pass them.
8. A cat walking across your lap will always manage to step on your genitals, and pause there when they do.
9. The teeth on a three-ring binder will never align correctly.
10. Two pillows will always be too high. One pillow will never be high enough.
11. The end of a roll of tape will always vanish if contact is not maintained.
12. You will always respond with “thanks, you too.” when that response doesn’t make any sense.
13. A clicked email address will always launch Outlook or the Mail app.
14. Cold butter will always tear untoasted bread.
15. The suggested videos on YouTube will never suggest the next video in a series.
16. Deodorant near the end of its lifespan will always fly out of the tube and onto the ground.
17. A snoozed alarm will always go off again the moment you step into the shower.
18. You will only notice a box for your last name on a form after you’ve already put your full name in the box for your first name.
19. Each time you pull a slice of pizza out of the box, it will fail to properly detach and pull off all the toppings.
20. No matter how careful you are, your coat will always bunch up your shirt sleeves at the elbow when you pull it on.
21. A seatbelt will always lock when least convenient.
22. Whenever you print an email, it will print as two pages: One, with the thing you want on it, and a second page with the “Think before you print” line in someone’s email signature.
23. A barber will always interpret “trim” as “buzz it all off.”
24. The drawstring on your favorite hoodie will always slip out of place in the wash.
25. When your blanket is horizontal instead of vertical, you will shift FURIOUSLY … until your blanket is still somehow horizontal instead of vertical.
26. The wind will always blow the smoke from a campfire into your face, regardless of where you sit.
27. The bus will always come right after you’ve decided to walk.
28. You will always squirt gross, yellowish water onto your burger before you get any actual mustard out of the tube.
29. You will always highlight either too much or too little of a URL you’re trying to copy and paste.
30. A dropped toilet seat is loudest at 3am.
31. Your nose will only run while you are sitting in a quiet room taking a test.
32. All the marshmallows in your hot cocoa will move away when you try to take a sip.
33. Your butt will only ever feel itchy in the presence of others.
34. You will only ever remember that you forgot to put on deodorant after you’ve gotten fully dressed.
35. You will get all sheep in Settlers.
36. You will get all vowels in Scrabble.
37. There will always be too many chips for the amount of dip.
38. If you open another jar, there will always be too much dip for the amount of chips.
39. You will only notice your fly is down after a long day of interacting with others.
40. You will always run out of popcorn the moment the movie actually begins.
41. The dialogue scenes will never be loud enough, and the action scenes will always be too loud.
42. You will accidentally click on Internet Explorer and you will wait for it to load so you can close it again. Every. Goddamn. Time.
43. A USB plug will never be inserted the correct way on the first try.
44. A USB plug will never be inserted the correct way on the second try.
45. The barista will always choose to look away the moment you drop your tip in the jar.
46. You will always forget your glass of water by the sink when you go to bed.
47. And you will only get the hard question when you’re going for the pie piece.
48. You will always pull up to the gas pump on the wrong side in a rental car.
49. Your smartphone will always change “lol” to “LOL,” making you sound more amused than you actually are.
50. A tucked shirt will always come untucked the moment you sit down.
51. Your GPS will only remind you to turn moments before you miss the turn.
52. The onion will always come out of the fried batter ring after the first bite.
53. You’ll only notice that you forgot to take the sticker off a bell pepper after you’ve chopped it.
54. A sheet of notebook paper will never tear on the perforation.
55. You only realize you need to use the bathroom after you’ve gotten comfortable in bed.
56. You will always check your door when a doorbell rings on TV.
57. You will only accidentally heart a photo on Instagram when you are looking at a cute person’s old photos.
58. A fitted sheet will never stay on a mattress.
59. Large T-shirts will always look like nightgowns on you and Mediums will hug you so tightly you can’t move.
60. You will always launder your chapstick.
61. And no matter what, every single time, you will get “Royals” stuck in your head.
- President Trump signed executive orders today to advance the Keystone XL and Dakota Access oil pipelines, prompting praise from pro-Trump unions.
- Mark Zuckerberg denied rumors that he might run for president, telling BuzzFeed News, "I'm focused on building our community at Facebook."
- Press Secretary Sean Spicer at today's White House briefing defended Trump's claim that millions of people voted illegally—but he cited a debunked study.
- And the 2017 Oscar nominations for Best Picture are "La La Land," "Moonlight," "Arrival," "Hidden Figures," "Hacksaw Ridge," "Manchester by the Sea," "Lion," "Fences," and "Hell or High Water" 🎥 🎬