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    33 Pictures That Are, And I Cannot Stress This Enough, NOT Of Penises

    Probably safe for work. But honestly? I wouldn't risk it.

    1. This person is holding a tiny apple, not the head of a penis.

    2. This sign is meant to indicate a changing station, not some special bathroom just for people with huge dongs.

    3. This is a child's illustration of someone washing their hands in a sink, and not whatever you thought it was.

    4. This is a stalagmite, and not a stalactite or a cave dick.

    5. These are Peppa Pig cookies, not flaccid penis cookies.

    6. Pizza Hut does not deliver small, circumcised penises. They do deliver pigs in a blanket, though.

    7. This person cut their thumb. They did not grow an extra penis from their hand.

    8. This is a bird, not a dong. (Though if I had to guess, I'd probably say the bird is called the "dong-necked condor" or something like that.)

    9. This is just a foot, not a dick.

    10. Also just a foot.

    11. Still just a foot! How does this keep happening?

    12. This is a sculpture of a thumb in Paris called "Le Pouce" by César Baldaccini. It is not Paris's penis, as I first assumed.

    13. This is a man's head, and not a man-sized penis enjoying a meal.

    14. This is a perfectly shaped dollop of lotion. It is not some kind of small, extra penis growing out of this person's hand.

    15. This bust is meant to be holding a microphone, not a dick.

    16. This medal commemorating the happiest moment in this couple's lives does not have a big, flaccid dong hanging off of it. I believe it's the man's hand.

    17. This is just a uniquely shaped potato, not a ground-dong.

    18. The shadow being cast on the wall is the little angels' hands touching. They are not, to the best of my knowledge, touching the tips of their penises together.

    19. These leggings feature an unfortunately placed graphic of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They do not feature an unfortunately placed graphic of a penis.

    20. This potato has a strange growth coming off of it, but I am fairly certain that the growth is not a penis. I do not believe that potatoes have penises.

    21. This company chose to put carrying handles right at crotch level on this box. They did not intentionally give the model a phallus.

    22. This is an impressively girthy sweet potato. It is not an impressively girthy boner. Though if it were a boner, its girth would be impressive.

    23. This is a starfish. It's not a rare five-headed penis fish.

    24. These are carnivorous pitcher plants. They are not naturally occurring prairie dongs.

    25. These are mushrooms. Highly suggestive mushrooms, but still just mushrooms.

    26. As far as I can tell, the woman in this illustration is using a mortar and pestle. She is not jerking off into a bowl.

    27. This is a penis-shaped strawberry. Not a strawberry-shaped penis. I don't think strawberry-shaped penises are even a thing.

    28. This egg DOES NOT have an erection. It just cracked while boiling. (I repeat: It DOES NOT have an erection.)

    29. As it says right there on the box, it's a wizard nose and it costs $1.50. I'm not even sure you could buy a penis for $1.50.

    30. This squirrel is not well hung. It's just eating a small baguette.

    31. No idea what Jamie Oliver is packing. But what I do know is that this 2004 calendar does not feature his monster chode.

    32. This is a small stony outcropping between two larger boulders. It is not a rock wiener between two rock thighs.

    33. This is pork tenderloin. It is not tender loins.