We watched every single Star Wars movie in a row at a theater from 4 a.m. until 10 p.m. This is what that was like. No spoilers for the new movie in here, but this is still rated PG-13 for some fairly strong negativity about the prequels.
2:30 AM - Getting up for the big day.
Tanner: I only got to bed at about 11 p.m. that night, so I was definitely dreading that 2 a.m. alarm.
Jack: I felt like a totally insane person and my mood was very low because all I could think about was that I just got up at 2 in the morning to watch the goddamn Phantom Menace.
Tanner: At that point I was thinking about it holistically. I was getting up at 2 for Star Wars. Not The Phantom Menace. That helped.
4:00 AM - Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Tanner: I felt real bad after The Phantom Menace.
Tanner: Also, everyone gives Jar Jar shit, which he deserves, but the real character that ruined this movie was Anakin Skywalker.
Jack: Yes! Jar Jar gets way too much credit for ruining that movie. But Anakin is an insult to everything that came before.
Tanner: "How wude!" –Jar Jar Binks
Jack: You know what's really "wude"? How long pod-racing goes on for, even though the only point of it is to establish that Anakin knows how to drive.
Tanner: It's like a third of the fucking movie. You know what the worse part of Episode I was? Knowing that when it was over, we had to sit through Episode II.
6:00 AM - Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Jack: I felt like I had just eaten something poisonous after this. But I knew that we were over the hump. It only gets better after that.
Jack: Random thing that stuck out at me from this watch of Attack of the Clones was that scene in the diner and the waitress is like, "hey boys, cuppa joe like usual?" Like, how is this in the Star Wars universe?
Tanner: This is my least favorite Star Wars movie. It's a lot about Anakin and Padme's romance, but literally every time he tried his moves on her, erveryone in the theater laughed.
Jack: He literally calls her m'lady all the time. He is like, "Can I help you with that, m'lady?" No one wants to hear that. Especially from someone with a rat tail.
Tanner: Rat tails are the fedoras of the Star Wars universe.
Tanner: Count Dooku is the worst Star Wars villain. Poop is referred to as "poodoo" in the Star Wars universe and then they introduce a new character named "Dooku."
Tanner: Robots versus clones doesn't so anything for me. There's no stakes. This really bummed me out.
9:00 AM - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Tanner: At this point, I was relieved to be done with the prequels. I'm not a huge prequel hater, but they definitely don't hold up.
Jack: My big "thought" during Episode III was just that these movies actually would have been really fucking good if they had just started right around when Anakin pledges his allegiance to Palpatine, and then told a story from there.
Tanner: Yeah, the prequel trilogy is supposed to be about Anakin's fall but that all happens in the last 30 minutes of Episode III. Just make the whole prequel trilogy about that.
Jack: Apart from those 30 minutes, "Anakin's fall" is just him being a big, sullen douchebag for two and a half movies.
Jack: But mentally I was in a good place after this. Like, we were fully immersed and ready for some motherfuckers to destroy some motherfucking Death Stars. Which is what this is all about really.
11:30 AM - Episode IV: A New Hope
Tanner: God, what a breath of fresh air.
Jack: This is probably just the fact that I was coming right off the three prequels, but I really feel like Mark Hamill's acting has aged like fine wine. People used to give him shit, but that dude can out-emote Hayden Christensen any day of the week.
Tanner: And C-3PO was so much better. In the prequels he's like a bad pun machine, but in this one he cracks a lot of really great jokes.
Jack: Yeah, getting his memory wiped in Episode III obviously did wonders for his personality.
Tanner: Was there anything you didn't enjoy about this watch?
Jack: It was bullshit that Leia had to give out medals to Luke and Han when she did way more to blow up the death star than either of them: risking her life to get the plans, submitting to torture and not giving shit away, playing an equal role in her rescue, planning the attack, and so much more. And then they're like, "Good job Leia! You can be the one to give us medals."
Jack: General mood after watching this: Delighted. You could feel that there was a new hope in the theater. Boom.
1:45 PM - Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Jack: I felt like an insane person, because at that point I had watched 10 hours of movies after getting up at 2. But also, that is a fine film and it made me very happy.
Tanner: I also ate a couple slices of pizza after Empire, so my mood lifted a lot.
Jack: I was looking forward to getting right with Luke again in Jedi. He is a real dick to a lot of people in Empire. Basically doesn't give a shit when his pilot dies next to him, and he kisses the girl Han has a crush on the day after Han risked his life to save him from freezing to death. He's also super fucking condescending to Yoda, who is just trying to help him on a strange planet. And then kisses his ass when he realizes he's "famous."
Tanner: You know what this movie was missing? A Death Star blowing up.
Jack: YES! That's the only thing wrong with this film. They forgot to build a moon-sized space station with a fatal flaw in it. Like, what kind of evil galactic empire even are you?
4:30 PM - Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Tanner: Spirits were at an all-time high after this. We just watched a great movie and were minutes away from the premiere. Was there anything that bugged you about this watch?
Jack: It bothered me that they send Luke, Han, Chewie, and Leia to Endor at all this risk, even though they already have an advance force there. Seems like an unnecessary risk.
Tanner: They put all the rebel alliance's most well-known and beloved heroes in ONE ship together and send them behind enemy lines. That's really shitty strategy.
Jack: There are like 30 or 40 really competent rebels already hanging out on the planet. Can't they just use the code and bring the shield down?
Tanner: Maybe this was the rebels' version of an exhaust port leading right to the core of the Death Star. Kind of an easy out if the Empire needs to take it.
Tanner: So I was VERY tired at this point, but the special edition shit really rubbed me the wrong way. ESPECIALLY that strange 5-minute song they added in Jabba's palace.
Jack: Jabba is supposed to be sinister as fuck and that really softened his badass image in a bad way. Like, this is his lovable side. He likes to goof around and dance.
Tanner: I liked the fireworks and celebrations they added at the end. I like seeing the impact it had on the universe. It made it feel bigger. Like, the Empire is really gone. We did it.
Jack: Except … they didn't totally defeat evil, did they? It's coming back in a big way.
7:00 PM - Episode VII: The Force Awakens:
Jack: OK, so we're going to talk about this without spoilers, which means not saying too much at all. But here's what I will say about how I felt after The Force Awakens: Fucking good.
Tanner: Real good.
Jack: Like, the whole day I was exhausted and on the verge of sleep-deprived / prequel-induced insanity and that all went away when this started.
Tanner Ringerud: I was deliriously tired, so I don't remember feeling anything other than, "Holy shit. I'm watching a new Star Wars movie."
Jack: I felt totally immersed in this universe. I loved all the new characters, especially Rey.
Tanner: Rey was fantastic. Favorite new character... in all of Star Wars.
Jack: Kind of almost agree with you on that.
Tanner: Second only to BB-8.
10:00 PM - Post-movie debrief at the nearest bar.
Tanner: How'd you feel after we left the theater?
Jack: We talked about this a little bit after the movies, but we all had the same weird experience of feeling 2-dimensional.
Tanner: Yeah, I felt like I was stuck in time. I was out of my head.
Jack: I had a lot of difficulty processing reality.
Tanner: I honestly can't remember much after we left the theater. The whole night sort of ran together into one moment in my head. I can't recall specifics. I guess that happens after 20 hours of Star Wars though.
Jack: Yes, can't wait to do it again.