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29 Hilarious Tweets About Dating That Will Make You Want To Stay Single

Being alone isn't so bad after all! (Other than the crushing loneliness.)

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1.

[first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?

2.

*I hold my date's hand for the first time* Date: I've got butterflies in my stomach Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this

3.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

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4.

I don't understand why I'm single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I'm immune to bats

5.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time? Stephanie: Sure, name the date! Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'

6.

Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living

7.

[at SunMaid farms with a guy] Guy: so is this a date? Girl:... No? These are raisins

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8.

[first date] me: So, do you like street magic? her: Not really me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either

9.

anxiety got me approaching relationships like

10.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won't be laughing when it's time to pick it all up

11.

(on a first date) you know if you shave a Guinea pig they look like tiny hippos *with way too much food in my mouth* they hate it though

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12.

[1st date] me: are you cold? date: *shivering* a little me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

13.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps

14.

An extremely accurate description of what it's like to hook up with me

15.

*date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you. *I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.

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16.

[getting ready for a date] ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate ME: ok [later] DATE: i love this restaurant ME: haha i love u too

17.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

18.

DATE: you smell so nice - what are you wearing? ME: Febreeze

19.

[during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]

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20.

*a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

21.

me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable. him: Uncomfortable? me (getting naked): Yes.

22.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse?

23.

Good things to say after sex 1. thanks 2. that was fun 3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died 4. where then 5. where is he

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24.

25.

[date at rooftop bar] give me ur hand "Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?" *rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

26.

*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU

27.

boy: you have really pretty eyes... me: *suspicious* thank you...??? boy: *leans in slowly* me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

28.

Boys are like TVs. I wasn't allowed to have one in my room as a kid and now I probably could but what's the point when you have a laptop?

29.

911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't-- IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

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