Buzz·Posted on Sep 4, 201418 Local News Stories That Could Only Happen In A Small TownEvery day is a slow news day when you're from a small town.by Tanner GreenringBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1. No deaths this week? Just print a terrifying portent instead. reddit.com 2. Most high school graduations aren't really newsworthy. Unless your graduating class is all of one dude. reddit.com 3. No witnesses to interview? Just get a quote from one of the trees instead. reddit.com 4. An editor read the pitch for this and thought, "Let's give this story half a page." reddit.com 5. Remember: If it bleeds, it leads. Also, if it's lasagna. reddit.com 6. Sounds like illegal incarceration to me. Everyone deserves their day in court. Even naughty cats. reddit.com 7. That's really the best answer they got? reddit.com 8. That's not a crime. That's a favor. reddit.com 9. They somehow managed to make this into a full 175-word story. Astounding. reddit.com 10. Guess somebody wasn't happy with his job performance supervising that walking path construction. reddit.com 11. Your tax dollars hard at work. reddit.com 12. They're burying the lede a bit here, the lede being LOCAL PSYCHOPATH HAS WORKING CANNON AND WILL DEFINITELY SHOOT IT AT YOU. reddit.com 13. Well thank god for that. The world definitely needs more raccoons. reddit.com 14. And judging from the photo they ran with the story, they threw a party to celebrate. reddit.com 15. Yes. Definitely a lot. reddit.com 16. Someone needs to put a stop to these menacing adolescents. reddit.com 17. I see what you did there, local paper editor. reddit.com 18. Never cross a small-town news reporter. reddit.com Need more LOL in your life? Sign up for the BuzzFeed Today newsletter and you’ll get our hottest stories in your inbox every morning!