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If "Mean Girls" Were Set In Glasgow

"Gaun yersel, Glen Coco!"

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1. Cady would have moved to Glasgow from the wilderness of Stirling.

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2. Where her parents were zoologists at Blair Drummond Safari Park.

3. In her first class she'd become friends with Janis, a Cathouse regular.

4. Who works in Lush on Buchanan Street.

5. "Nice wig, Janis, what's it made of?" "Your da's bawhair!"

6. She'd also meet Damian, a Polo regular.

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7. Who would have never questioned if ginger was Cady's natural hair colour.

8. Janis and Damian would have got their fake IDs from Kevin Gnapoor, a school technology whiz kid and Calvin Harris wannabe.

9. In maths, Cady would fall in love with Arran McSamhuill, the captain of the First XV and the most popular guy at Kenny Dalglish High School.

10. And Ms Norbury would try convince her to compete in the Senior Kangaroo Maths Challenge.

11. Tables at the school dining hall would have included the jakeys, the emos, the moshers, and the widos.

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12. And "The Plastics" would have been called "The Dolls".

13. The Dolls would regularly be spotted hangin' aboot the steps of Buchanan Galleries, diet Irn-Bru in hand.

14. "Oh my God, Karen, you cannae just ask people why they're peely wally."

15. Regina George would have apparently have met Gerard Butler on a plane once, who told her she was pure dead stunnin'.

16. And Gretchen's dad would have founded Tunnock's.

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17. "On Wednesdays we wear tartan."

18. "But we can't customise much else because of our strict school uniform."

19. That skirt would have been the "most mingin' effin' skirt" Regina had ever seen.

20. At Regina's house in Newton Mearns, Regina would show Cady The Bampot Book, which she made to slag off aw the other lassies.

21. And Cady would definitely have said yes to Regina's mum's offer of a sneaky bit of voddy in her drink.

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22. "Get in, fannybaws, we're going shopping."

23. Cady would catch Regina winchin' Arran at an empty.

24. And would go radge and feed Regina tonnes of tablet in a plan to get her to put on weight.

25. Most acts in the Christmas talent show would be dares.

26. But The Dolls would do a choreographed dance to that year's John Lewis Christmas advert song.

27. "Gretchen, stop trying to make 'yaldi' happen, it's not going to happen."

28. Cady's own empty would have featured way more Bucky and a lot more whiteys.

29. In fact "whiteying" would be so common that Arran wouldn't be that surprised when Cady did it on him.

30. "Ah canny go to Greggs, I'm on an all carb diet. God, Karen you are such a numpty."

31. Regina would try to convince Karen to go with her to Bamboo.

32. But Karen would make an excuse after she heard Regina called her a wee midden.

33. "Boo, ya bawbag."

34. Gretchen would be pure fumin' when she thought Regina didn't get her a bar of Highland Toffee.

35. "Gaun yersel, Glen Coco!"

36. Cady would have arrived at the school sweet and innocent but after a term with The Dolls would be posing for selfies on top of the Duke of Wellington statue.

37. In fact, she'd be the school's new top lass.

38. "I saw Cady Heron wearing Primark leopard-print leggings and high tops, so I bought Primark leopard-print leggings and high tops."

39. Cady would accuse Ms Norbury of sellin eccies' round the back of The Arches.

40. Everybody would go off their heid when Regina released The Bampot Book.

41. After running off, Regina would have been hit by a Number 16 First bus heading to Drumchapel.

42. But would have got a shit load of compensation from Injury Lawyers 4 U.

43. And Cady would never have been made Spring Fling Queen, because Scotland only has discos and ceilidhs.

44. The best she could have hoped for is a miniature plastic trophy awarded for best fancy dress.

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