1.
Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it.
2.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
3.
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
4.
My therapist is right, you need help.
5.
Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures.
6.
When it comes to a war of wills, I'm no match for the last cookie.
7.
The first bee is always the calm before the swarm.
8.
The mansion in this real estate ad has a great room, a panic room, & an office. My house does too but I just call it the bathroom.
9.
Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.
10.
Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.
11.
TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.
12.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
13.
A thing I learned at this week's staff meeting is I like to cuddle as I fall asleep.
14.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
15.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.
16.
My favorite book is the dictionary because it has all the other books in it
17.
I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
18.
my cab driver's fighting with his girlfriend on speakerphone as if I don't exist which is apparently how she's been feeling
19.
Shouldn't elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
20.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
21.
I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...
22.
Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog
23.
An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair.
24.
The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.
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