We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh for way longer than we'd like to admit:
1.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you ask your spouse to hand you “that thingy” over there and they know exactly what that means.
2.
My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
3.
*not letting my husband sleep until we finish this discussion*
4.
Wife: ugh you never listen Me: yes Wife: Me: *looking up from phone* wait what
5.
I’ve been married for 30 years today. Never question my stubbornness. It outweighs my common sense.
6.
Welcome to marriage, you’ll tell each other the same stories so many times you’ll get confused about which stories are actually yours
7.
My wife just said to me “you’re right” so I’m expecting an assassination attempt at any moment.
8.
I want to spoon the rest of the queso out of the bowl with my finger but I also want my husband to still love me I’m so conflicted
9.
Be still and be quiet, don’t be scared, it will be over soon. -me to myself, hiding in the other room when I hear my wife start unloading the dishwasher
10.
My husband was so mean to me in the imaginary argument we had that I can’t even.
11.
I’m your wife. You might remember me from such hits as It’s in the Hall Closet and its sequel Look Again.
12.
Wife: I'm going to take a nap. Me: When do you want me to wake you up? Wife: *death glare* Me: Never. Got it.
13.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke's on him because I'm only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he's number 26.
14.
Me: how long until you’re ready to leave for this party? Husband: 5 minutes. Me: OK, but how long really? Husband: 45 minutes. An hour, if I’m being honest.
15.
Friendly reminder that its not you, it’s just the photos your husband takes of you
16.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
17.
I hinted at new patio furniture to the wife and I heard a faint swoosh of her sending the order.
18.
RELATIONSHIP LEVELS: - strangers - acquaintances - friends - casually dating - seriously dating - exclusive - engaged - married - have a signature dish that people ask you to make at get-togethers
19.
Sixteen years of marriage and I still suck in my gut on date night. That's romance.
20.
[packing for a trip] Wife: Did you forget anything? Me: No. I checked twice. Wife: *finds 95 things I missed*
21.
I would like to proudly announce that after months of struggling with the bathroom sink my husband finally fixed it. It took him 5 minutes.
22.
Me: Do you know where you want to eat? Her: Yes Me:
23.
Annoyed that my husband wants to complain at the same time that I do.
24.
No one told me that marriage would include so much time listening to the sound of someone’s spoon clanking against the inside of a bowl.
25.
8yo: I’m bored. Husband, about to leave me in the house alone with her for the day: Why don’t you play the keyboard? Me: I WANT A DIVORCE
26.
how's my morning? don't know yet I haven't asked my wife if I was an asshole in her weird dream
27.
Husband: The kids just said I’m not young or cool anymore. Me: *organizing his Crocs* I wonder why they’d say something like that.
28.
I hate when I take out the trash and my wife asks me why I'm still here.
29.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right? *(whispering)they’re both the same
30.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day. Just not with each other, obviously.