Internet Finds·Posted on Jul 2, 202240 Hysterical Married People Who Could've Played Nice On Twitter But Thought, "Ha! Not A Chance!""My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her."by Asia McLainBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail There's no doubt about it — marriage is full of the ups, the downs, and the seriously, seriously funny. Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF Well, it's a good thing we have the totally hysterical married people on Twitter to keep it all the way real about it: 1. Laura Marie @lmegordon Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time. 02:54 AM - 08 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @lmegordon 2. A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had 04:24 PM - 09 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut 3. mark @TheCatWhisprer DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile 11:47 PM - 07 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer 4. DonutHawk @StruggleDisplay Husband of many years: Did I ever tell you about the time my… Me: Yes. The answer is always yes. 04:00 PM - 21 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @StruggleDisplay 5. Jessie @mommajessiec My husband is currently several states away and I think I just heard him sneeze. 05:57 PM - 26 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 6. Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3 Make sure you know if your partner parks at the entrance or exit doors to Home Depot, if you’re not compatible the relationship won’t last 06:09 PM - 12 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @reallifemommy3 7. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right. 05:38 PM - 21 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 8. Dan Regan @Social_Mime My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her. 02:00 PM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Social_Mime 9. Amanda @Pandamoanimum My poor husband. It must be bloody awful to have a condition that apparently stops him from being able to shut a cupboard door after he’s opened it. 07:53 PM - 10 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Pandamoanimum 10. Heatherhere 😷 @Heatinblack My husband and I have been watching true crime together. When an episode ends, we just stare at each other, slowly backing out of the room from different exits 05:07 PM - 15 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Heatinblack 11. Darla @ddsmidt My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee. I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job. 09:50 PM - 27 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ddsmidt 12. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Me: *mixing different alcohols together* Wife: What are you making? Me: A mistake. 12:22 AM - 20 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn 13. DonutHawk @StruggleDisplay Sometimes when the hubs is watchin a tv show I don’t like I’ll just sit down and say, “I think the kids were in your toolbox again…” And just like that I’m watching my show in 3..2..1 05:25 PM - 14 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @StruggleDisplay 14. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband and I made a $100 bet when we stopped by a cool rooftop bar yesterday. He thought we’d get carded and I live in reality. 07:18 PM - 20 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 15. Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a hug. 04:17 PM - 21 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Dadsaysjokes 16. Jessie @mommajessiec I opened up emotionally to my husband and told him how long it’s been since the check engine light turned on. 02:39 AM - 28 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 17. Dan Regan @Social_Mime My wife and I are at the point where I text "Hey" and she'll text back "It's on the dining room table." 09:47 PM - 12 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Social_Mime 18. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier? Me: Absolutely! Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight? Me: Absolutely! 04:56 PM - 03 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 19. 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ @raoulvilla When I get mad at my wife I wait till she's wearing a dress, put on my favorite cargo shorts and then complain that I can't find my wallet because I have too many pockets 03:53 PM - 11 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @raoulvilla 20. I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids Dating: you’re going out with your boys again? Marriage: please just leave this house 05:23 PM - 11 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids 21. Coach Rusty @rusty_coach I thought I could smooth over a fight with my wife by bringing home a cheese platter and that’s the second thing I’ve been super right about today 07:17 PM - 28 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @rusty_coach 22. Simon Holland @simoncholland YELLOW -my wife when I’m driving and a green light turns yellow. 03:58 PM - 27 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @simoncholland 23. I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids My husband acts like separate blankets is a gateway to separate houses as if sharing a blanket doesn’t have me weighing my options 12:58 PM - 07 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids 24. Jessie @mommajessiec I used my husband’s dandruff shampoo and I already notice a significant decrease in the amount of words I use when replying to text messages. 01:00 PM - 08 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 25. AparnaRC @Wordesse My husband just recorded his voice saying, "Wake up right now or you'll be late for school!" and is playing it on a loop for the kids, and this gentle reader, is why I married him. 02:14 PM - 07 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Wordesse 26. Stone @StoneAgeRadio13 Wife: ew boys are gross! Me: I’m just hugging you Wife: STOP FARTING WHILE YOU’RE HUGGING ME!! Me: why can’t you just love me the way I am? 04:31 PM - 26 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @StoneAgeRadio13 27. Darla @ddsmidt Capturing my husband‘s attention is easy, I just refer to a screwdriver as a wrench. 09:58 PM - 27 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ddsmidt 28. Crac⚡ked @a_simpl_man My wife was sitting next to me on the couch and I texted "want to hook up?" When I looked over she was swiping left. 12:16 PM - 23 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @a_simpl_man 29. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy I’m pretty sure that sharing dessert wasn’t part of my marriage vows. 04:50 PM - 28 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 30. KJ @IDontSpeakWhine In honor of Father's Day, I gave my husband a Home Depot gift card with a beautifully handwritten to-do list. 11:44 AM - 19 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine 31. an english human 🌞 @English_Channel I wish my wife would stop referring to our marriage as ‘The Long Con’ 07:16 PM - 28 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @English_Channel 32. Mommy Owl @Lhlodder I keep hearing romance fades the longer you’re together, but my husband and I have been together for 15 years and we don’t flush the toilet at night so the whooshing sound doesn’t wake the other up. It’s almost like we invented romance. 02:07 AM - 21 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Lhlodder 33. Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad Ugh. Why does my wife always blame me for things that are my fault? 10:47 PM - 21 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @kevinthedad 34. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Husband: Why are you so grumpy? Me: I’m not grumpy. My face: 05:44 PM - 15 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 35. mark @TheCatWhisprer Wife and I got a sitter for our date night. Might get a little crazy after dinner and hit up the good Target on the other side of town. 09:36 PM - 02 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer 36. Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad If I leave my clothes in the bathroom then my wife will place them in front of the bathroom door. I don’t get why she wants me to step over them each time I go into the bathroom… 04:32 PM - 25 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @kevinthedad 37. Rick Aaron @RickAaron I saw “how to get rid of stubborn belly fat” in my wife’s search history even though I asked her to stop calling me that. 12:56 PM - 08 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @RickAaron 38. Science Mom 🔬 @EmSlyce My husband must hate when I work from home because he has to keep popping up from his secret nap when he hears me come up the stairs 01:49 PM - 28 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @EmSlyce 39. Stone @StoneAgeRadio13 Wife set her alarm 10 minutes before mine, whole day is ruined. 12:57 PM - 28 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @StoneAgeRadio13 40. mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 @mariana057 I hung a world map on the wall, gave my wife a dart & said, throw this & wherever it lands, I’m taking you there on vacation. Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge. 03:05 AM - 01 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mariana057 If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!