Sex & Love·Posted on Mar 14, 202230 Married People On Twitter Who Refused To Be Anything But Hilariously Ruthless"My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home."by Asia McLainBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail Marriage is full of ups, downs, and seriously hysterical in-betweens. Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF So it's a good thing we have the seriously funny husbands and wives on Twitter to sum it up in all its hilarity: 1. Jessie @mommajessiec I tested the strength of my husband by having him rearrange the living room furniture. I tested the strength of our marriage by having him move the furniture back to where it originally was. 05:18 PM - 03 Mar 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 2. Laura Marie @lmegordon I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets. 03:41 AM - 11 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @lmegordon 3. Shannon Keating @skeatings My wife and I were just making fun of the Love is Blind people, briefly forgetting that she told she loved me and wanted to marry me 3 days after meeting me on a lesbian cruise 02:19 AM - 19 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @skeatings 4. Dan Regan @Social_Mime My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home. 12:32 PM - 06 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Social_Mime 5. Jawbreaker 💙💛 @sixfootcandy How can my husband not know I’m angry at him when I’ve told him I’m not angry at least ten times now? 06:01 PM - 23 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 6. ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl today I discovered my husband still has me in his phone as “Elyssa Brooklyn” which is SO FUNNY because he’s still in my phone as “don’t pick up” 06:22 PM - 30 Jan 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl 7. Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking i just wish my wife looked at me like she looks at a sale at target. 05:09 PM - 02 Mar 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @dadmann_walking 8. Amber Sparks @ambernoelle I’ve been working at home with my husband for two years now, yet still every single day noon rolls around and we’re like “oh god, lunch, what on earth can we do for lunch” 03:28 PM - 15 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ambernoelle 9. Jessie @mommajessiec Husband: I can’t remember the last time you were mad at me. Me: I remember it like it was yesterday. Husband: Was it yesterday? Me: Yes. 02:17 PM - 04 Mar 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 10. Crac⚡ked @a_simpl_man My wife won an argument before I walked out the door this morning so I got in her car and moved the driver's seat all the way up. 09:04 AM - 11 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @a_simpl_man 11. 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz I don't know whose husband needs to hear this but there is a door in the bottom of the toaster so you can dump the crumbs out. 02:15 PM - 20 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @3sunzzz 12. Jawbreaker 💙💛 @sixfootcandy Not to brag, but my husband and I like the thermostat at the same temperature. 05:45 PM - 26 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 13. Jessie @mommajessiec Medium: You want to contact your late husband? Me: Yes. Medium: How do you intend to pay for this? Me: OMG it’s him. 03:30 PM - 18 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 14. Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids. Marriage is easy. 04:24 PM - 19 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sarcasticmommy4 15. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Wife: What's so funny? Me: *laughing at a dirty joke I just now got from a movie I watched when I was thirteen* Nothing. 01:46 AM - 08 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn 16. That Mom Tho @mom_tho yeah i sleep with a white noise machine ive been married to him for almost 11 years 06:11 PM - 31 Jan 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mom_tho 17. ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl couples don’t need couples therapy before they get married. they need to go to IKEA 04:38 PM - 23 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl 18. KJ @IDontSpeakWhine My husband and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards 2 days ago in the card aisle at Target and then returned them to the shelf because we'd rather purchase Valentine's Day cannolis. 06:02 PM - 14 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine 19. Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Wife: [looking angry] Me: You in a bad mood? Wife: Yes. Me: Was it something I did? Wife: Probably. 09:38 PM - 19 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @RodLacroix 20. Terri 💙💙🌊🌊 🇺🇸🇺🇦🇺🇸🇺🇦🇺🇸 @TerriB2021 I'm the kind of wife who will help my husband look for his chocolate that I ate. 12:10 AM - 13 Jan 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @TerriB2021 21. SpacedMom @copymama A truck is here to cut a giant tree down in my neighbor’s yard, so now my husband has to cancel all his plans and stand by the window for the next 2 hours. 02:06 PM - 15 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @copymama 22. Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ @maryfairybobrry Are you a happily married person or did you just see the photo your husband took of you 02:42 AM - 03 Mar 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @maryfairybobrry 23. Crac⚡ked @a_simpl_man My wife knows exactly where she wants to go for dinner, she's just not telling anyone. 01:22 PM - 01 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @a_simpl_man 24. FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud DOCTOR: How did you manage to pull a muscle in your neck, back and leg? ME: No idea WIFE: He was trying to roundhouse kick a bee 09:29 PM - 10 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sofarrsogud 25. Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ @maryfairybobrry You can either have a good day or your husband can put a bookshelf together, you cannot have both 02:11 PM - 05 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @maryfairybobrry 26. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Marriage status: Had a heated argument about which of the Property Brothers was which. Let the record show I lost. 07:09 PM - 28 Jan 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn 27. Jawbreaker 💙💛 @sixfootcandy Therapist: How did last weeks activity go? Husband: I gave her a list of reasons I appreciate her Me: I made a list too Husband: It was a list of errands Me: Errands I would APPRECIATE you doing 05:40 PM - 02 Mar 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 28. Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking my wife just asked if i wanted to watch a movie when we get home. It's 8:39pm already. does she think I'm 20? 02:39 AM - 26 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @dadmann_walking 29. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Me: That was a great salad. Husband: You ate shredded cheese and a bag of croutons. Me: Close enough. 06:19 PM - 04 Mar 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 30. Laura Klenda 🥑 @KlauraLenda My husband beat me at Wordle this morning. Please pray for our marriage during this trial. 12:58 PM - 06 Feb 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @KlauraLenda If you think these husbands and wives are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!