Kids. Everyone knows they're hilarious as hell. Well, these hysterical mom tweets prove that kids are — indeed — the unintentional comedians we deserve:
1.
4yo starts to meltdown because I flushed the toilet instead of her (major faux pas). Then as tears brim over her eyelids, she takes a deep breath and says, “life is more important than toilets” Life is more important than toilets, y’all.
2.
*In my own room, minding my own business, getting dressed* My 4YO walks in: Oh, good. I’m glad you’re putting your boobs away
3.
My 4yo asked why their food “tasted weird” and my 8yo said “it’s because mummy didn’t burn it this time” and then all the kids clapped and I felt kind of proud
4.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes. Raisins, she wants raisins.
5.
Just found my toddler naked under the dining room table eating a box of Chips Ahoy and I didn’t disturb him because it’s a pandemic after all.
6.
Nobody: My 5-year-old: Mom, why does an octopus get to have 8 testicles and I only have 2?
7.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
8.
4yo: mommy what does this mean? Me: that tells you how many calories it has 4yo: I want the one with the most calories
9.
Nobody: Not one soul: My 5 years old: If the word birds started with T they’d be called turds.
10.
Me: Dinner’s ready! 4YO: I don’t want that Me: You don’t even know what it is Him: I know it’s not ice cream
11.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl 4yo: Making my dolls eat brains. Help.
12.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
13.
4: I have little boobs Me: mmhmm 4: you have big boobs Me: yes, true 4: daddy has big boobs too Me: ...don’t tell him that
14.
I always consider my 4 yo to be pretty intelligent for his age. But I just saw him lick a plain piece of paper and try to seal it like an envelope.
15.
Me: come here please, I need you to help me clean this up 4: don’t you know how to do it yourself?
16.
Overheard from the other room: 4: Hey, look at my leg nipples! 6: They’re called knees. 4: Leg nipples!! 6: Knees. 4: LEG NIPPLES, LEG NIPPLES!!
17.
My 4yo nephew wants a wrist clock for his birthday. A watch, he wants a watch.
18.
5yo: "Mommy, what does 'paying it forward' mean?" I start explaining it as she watches me, occasionally nodding. Me: "...so, do you understand what it means?" 5yo: "Last night I had a dream that a hot dog could talk to me."
19.
Me: *makes soup* 4: *tastes it* Me: do you like it? 4: *narrows eyes* who made it? Me: *narrows eyes* grandma 4: I love it!