We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh until our eyes watered:
1.
My husband had a great idea today that I came up with 6 months ago.
2.
as someone who took her husband’s last name, I don’t recommend it. not for feminist reasons, but because sometimes I forget how to spell it
3.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking. Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
4.
Marriage is 90% reminding your spouse what food gives them heartburn before they eat it.
5.
Wife: Did you return those phone calls? Me: I called back 100 percent of the people I wanted to talk to. Wife: So no one? Me: Yes.
6.
My husband will stand in the middle of the living room, watching my show that he says, “is dumb” for 30 minutes. Then hits me with, “What’s going on? She’s dating this guy now?”.
7.
Guys, I need your help. In the middle of an argument with my wife, she said I'm right. What the hell do I do next?
8.
I'm the kind of wife who will help my husband look for his chocolate that I ate.
9.
You can tell your Husband exactly where to go in your purse, and He will bring the entire purse back to you. 🤣😂😅
10.
Wife: What's that noise? Me: The house is settling. Wife: Well that's one thing we have in common.
11.
I couldn’t sleep last night because my husband was breathing too quietly. I think I’ve unlocked a new level of marriage.
12.
My husband and I are still married because after he loads the dishwasher he calls me over to "optimize" it
13.
i was putting my 3 year old to bed last night and she was like “mommy can I see your boobs?” and I was like what why honey and she said “cause I haven’t seen them in a very long time!!!” and from outside the door I heard my husband mutter “join the club”
14.
If you enjoy hearing the question, “Honey, have you seen my keys?” every time you leave the house, then marriage is for you.
15.
I thought I was mad at my wife for eating the last piece of cheesecake but I realized that I'm not because she said so.
16.
All I'm saying is that my husband is so lucky he never ordered soup when we dated because his soup slurping ass would still be single right now.
17.
husband: you should hang out with my friend’s wife, she’s an introvert like you me: that’s…that’s not how it works
18.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work me: how do you know? wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work? me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something? wife: what
19.
Husband: Where do you want to eat? {5 years later} Me: Applebee's is fine
20.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
21.
My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I’m not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons
22.
husbands, help your wives out around the house. instead of leaving those dishes everywhere do the right thing, hand them directly to her so she can put them in the dishwasher. it will save her so much time.
23.
At dinner tonight my husband used the term, “exigent circumstances” in like regular conversation. Don’t tell me romance is dead.
24.
My wife got low sodium bacon so now I have to wrap it in regular bacon.
25.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
26.
Husband: Mmm…you smell so nice Me: Thanks. My hair had static so I rubbed a dryer sheet on my head
27.
[watching a documentary about mount climbers] Me: I could do that. Wife: You get winded walking up the stairs. Me: Mountains don't have stairs.