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    31 Ruthlessly Hilarious Marriage Tweets That Grabbed Me By The Funny Bone And Won't Let Go

    "My husband just said, 'Calm down,' like he wants his own Dateline special."

    There's no question about it — marriage can be hilarious as hell.

    And lucky for us, the husbands and wives on Twitter have no problem going all in on it in all its hysterical glory:


    How to tell you’re going to lose an argument with your wife: 1. You’re in an argument with your wife

    Twitter: @Parentpains


    Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

    Twitter: @juliepafoofnic


    My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need? Me: I’m ready. Let’s go. My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.

    Twitter: @smiles_and_nods


    Men would be more humble if some of their clothes zipped up from the back.

    Twitter: @lmegordon


    Wife cracks open her eye ever so slightly at 6am Me: what we thinkin for dinner?! We have those pork chops in the freezer or I could make soup. I’d never turn down pizza either haha

    Twitter: @PualChikmo


    My husband just snuck a glass out of the clean dishwasher and quietly relocked it so he wouldn’t have to unload it. Then he accidentally dropped it and it shattered. Instant karma for the win!

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.

    Twitter: @lmegordon


    Me: Let's go home, watch a movie in bed and put heating pads on our backs Wife: I've never been so turned on right now

    Twitter: @OfficeofSteve


    I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they ask my wife for ID.

    Twitter: @Social_Mime


    there are two types of people: those who require subtitles to watch anything and those who can’t stand to have them on at all and they marry each other

    Twitter: @mom_tho


    I don’t know much about women but after many years of marriage one piece of advice I can give is this: For some reason they just really like the towels folded in thirds.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    i told my husband i was taking him to a nice farm in the country

    Twitter: @LizerReal


    Growing old together is fun. I make fun of my husband’s old man socks and we laugh and we laugh and he makes fun of my old lady shoes and we laugh and we laugh and he sleeps on the couch.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

    Twitter: @JohnJokewriter


    marriage preparation books fail to mention that husbands will be expected to know the difference between regular tweezers and "the good tweezers"

    Twitter: @raoulvilla


    My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, "You know, I'd love some water?" And I turned around and he was carrying the dog's water bowl to her....(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

    Twitter: @adalimon


    Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

    Twitter: @fozzie4prez


    Wife: How does this outfit look? Wait, I shouldn't ask you. You're just going to say, "Great." Me: Maybe I was going to say something different this time. Wife: How does it look? Me: Really great.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    I’m not saying this clock the wife got from Kmart is shit, but the alarm didn’t go off this morning and the time is now 9:77

    Twitter: @Sheeds1984


    Apparently, when your wife is not talking to you, the best time to ask her "What's wrong?" is not 3 days later.

    Twitter: @milifeasdad


    for every year you're married, your husbands body grows a new patch of hair in a location it should not be in.

    Twitter: @dadmann_walking


    I never wanted to live alone until I was married

    Twitter: @fozzie4prez


    Why is it when I tell my wife I always do something, she can say “No, you only think you do” and then that’s that.

    Twitter: @TheBoydP


    Establish dominance by asking your spouse what they want for dinner first thing in the morning.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    My husband has brought a heavy bag with him to this wedding ceremony we are attending and I asked what’s in it and he said “a first aid kit and a sewing kit and hairspray and sunscreen and clothes and some other stuff.” ???????????

    Twitter: @EliMcCann


    My husband: Guess I’d better load up the GPS and figure out where we’re going Me: We’re going to the same restaurant down the street that we go to every week

    Twitter: @CCRuns


    Husband: I trust you with all of my heart. Also husband:

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

    Twitter: @milifeasdad


    Why am I up at 5am? Because I had a dream that my husband asked me for a divorce so now I'm patiently waiting for him to wake up so I can yell at him.

    Twitter: @TheREALMessyMom


    I recorded my wife's snoring and I have just one question, why does she say "asshole" on the exhale?

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man


    My wife wanted Mexican for dinner, I wanted Italian …. So we compromised and we’re having Mexican for dinner.

    Twitter: @Tbone7219

    If you think these husbands and wives are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!