Internet Finds·Posted on Sep 14, 202231 Ruthlessly Hilarious Marriage Tweets That Grabbed Me By The Funny Bone And Won't Let Go"My husband just said, 'Calm down,' like he wants his own Dateline special."by Asia McLainBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail There's no question about it — marriage can be hilarious as hell. Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF And lucky for us, the husbands and wives on Twitter have no problem going all in on it in all its hysterical glory: 1. Mike @Parentpains How to tell you’re going to lose an argument with your wife: 1. You’re in an argument with your wife 05:42 PM - 26 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Parentpains 2. Julie (The Texan Minnesotan) @juliepafoofnic Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later” 01:29 PM - 09 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @juliepafoofnic 3. Andi @smiles_and_nods My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need? Me: I’m ready. Let’s go. My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first. 08:11 PM - 03 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @smiles_and_nods 4. Laura Marie @lmegordon Men would be more humble if some of their clothes zipped up from the back. 05:29 PM - 27 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @lmegordon 5. Pual Chikmo @PualChikmo Wife cracks open her eye ever so slightly at 6am Me: what we thinkin for dinner?! We have those pork chops in the freezer or I could make soup. I’d never turn down pizza either haha 01:13 PM - 14 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @PualChikmo 6. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband just snuck a glass out of the clean dishwasher and quietly relocked it so he wouldn’t have to unload it. Then he accidentally dropped it and it shattered. Instant karma for the win! 02:28 PM - 26 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 7. Laura Marie @lmegordon My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special. 01:13 AM - 09 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @lmegordon 8. Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve Me: Let's go home, watch a movie in bed and put heating pads on our backs Wife: I've never been so turned on right now 05:12 PM - 06 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @OfficeofSteve 9. Dan Regan @Social_Mime I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they ask my wife for ID. 03:40 PM - 31 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Social_Mime 10. That Mom Tho @mom_tho there are two types of people: those who require subtitles to watch anything and those who can’t stand to have them on at all and they marry each other 01:06 AM - 18 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mom_tho 11. Simon Holland @simoncholland I don’t know much about women but after many years of marriage one piece of advice I can give is this: For some reason they just really like the towels folded in thirds. 04:58 PM - 28 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @simoncholland 12. Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal i told my husband i was taking him to a nice farm in the country 08:00 PM - 23 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @LizerReal 13. Jessie @mommajessiec Growing old together is fun. I make fun of my husband’s old man socks and we laugh and we laugh and he makes fun of my old lady shoes and we laugh and we laugh and he sleeps on the couch. 12:56 PM - 05 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 14. John to the World 🌎 @JohnJokewriter I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes. 01:38 PM - 13 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @JohnJokewriter 15. 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ @raoulvilla marriage preparation books fail to mention that husbands will be expected to know the difference between regular tweezers and "the good tweezers" 02:47 PM - 01 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @raoulvilla 16. Ada Limón @adalimon My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, "You know, I'd love some water?" And I turned around and he was carrying the dog's water bowl to her....(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.) 02:15 PM - 09 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @adalimon 17. Sprinkles the clown 🇨🇦 @fozzie4prez Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage 01:39 PM - 30 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @fozzie4prez 18. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Wife: How does this outfit look? Wait, I shouldn't ask you. You're just going to say, "Great." Me: Maybe I was going to say something different this time. Wife: How does it look? Me: Really great. 04:22 PM - 04 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn 19. Liam Sheedy @Sheeds1984 I’m not saying this clock the wife got from Kmart is shit, but the alarm didn’t go off this morning and the time is now 9:77 12:20 AM - 14 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Sheeds1984 20. My Life As Dad @milifeasdad Apparently, when your wife is not talking to you, the best time to ask her "What's wrong?" is not 3 days later. 01:53 PM - 20 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @milifeasdad 21. Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking for every year you're married, your husbands body grows a new patch of hair in a location it should not be in. 06:19 PM - 02 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @dadmann_walking 22. Sprinkles the clown 🇨🇦 @fozzie4prez I never wanted to live alone until I was married 03:08 PM - 02 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @fozzie4prez 23. Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP Why is it when I tell my wife I always do something, she can say “No, you only think you do” and then that’s that. 04:17 PM - 27 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @TheBoydP 24. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Establish dominance by asking your spouse what they want for dinner first thing in the morning. 05:20 PM - 23 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 25. Eli McCann @EliMcCann My husband has brought a heavy bag with him to this wedding ceremony we are attending and I asked what’s in it and he said “a first aid kit and a sewing kit and hairspray and sunscreen and clothes and some other stuff.” ??????????? 08:01 PM - 20 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @EliMcCann 26. CC @CCRuns My husband: Guess I’d better load up the GPS and figure out where we’re going Me: We’re going to the same restaurant down the street that we go to every week 03:25 PM - 07 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @CCRuns 27. Jessie @mommajessiec Husband: I trust you with all of my heart. Also husband: 01:07 AM - 22 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 28. My Life As Dad @milifeasdad I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes. 01:40 PM - 09 Sep 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @milifeasdad 29. The REAL Messy Mom @TheREALMessyMom Why am I up at 5am? Because I had a dream that my husband asked me for a divorce so now I'm patiently waiting for him to wake up so I can yell at him. 10:16 AM - 25 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @TheREALMessyMom 30. long @a_simpl_man I recorded my wife's snoring and I have just one question, why does she say "asshole" on the exhale? 02:32 PM - 25 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @a_simpl_man 31. Tony P. @Tbone7219 My wife wanted Mexican for dinner, I wanted Italian …. So we compromised and we’re having Mexican for dinner. 10:57 PM - 16 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Tbone7219 If you think these husbands and wives are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!