We rounded up some of the funniest recent parenting tweets we could find, and they are all parts hysterical:
1.
My wife and I are starting an Escape Room franchise where groups of strangers have to get our 3 kids under age 5 dressed and out of the room in one hour
2.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
3.
we heard a loud beep in McDonald's and my daughter asked if it was their ice cream machine flatlining
4.
Me before and after kids
5.
Parenthood is walking around your house mumbling “what the fuck is that” over and over
6.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
7.
before becoming a parent i didn't know i could ruin someone's life by providing them with food, water, juice, clothes, entertainment and shelter for free.
8.
Thoughts and prayers for my 12-year-old. I asked her to replace the toilet paper roll and now she's now in tears because she has to do everything around here.
9.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
10.
I told my toddler that she could only pack the essentials so she filled two suitcases, one with socks and the other with stuffed animals
11.
8-year-old: We had a a substitute bus driver. Me: How'd that go? 8: Bad. I was hoping she didn't know the way to school.
12.
my six year old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and i said “i am your mom” and she said “but like, a cool young fun mom” im glad i tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that
13.
Get your kid a hamper so they have something to throw their dirty clothes near.
14.
My teen- *with a mouthful of burger and fries* Must be nice to be an adult and do whatever you want Me- *picking at my salad and holding the bill*- Yeah, it’s been a real treat
15.
I've got my daughter and her friend playing a game called "scrub the baseboards clean." This is peak parenting.
16.
My twins learned some new adjectives at school today and are currently arguing about whether the dinner I cooked is abominable or diabolical
17.
Parents to their first born: don’t hurt yourself Parents to their last born: try not to kill yourself
18.
A totally not creepy thing about parenthood is when your kids start losing teeth you have a dedicated place in your house where you keep parts of their body.
19.
Welcome to parenthood. You have way more shit to do, and way less time to do it in.
20.
5: please can I have an apple Me: sure *gives apple* 5: oh dear Me: what’s up 5: I can’t eat that apple Me: why not 5: it’s not a donut
21.
7 called the dinner my wife made tonight "prison food". Visitation will be from 1-3 this Friday with a memorial service immediately after.
22.
My toddler came into the bathroom while I was on the toilet and said, “you pooped! You get a cookie!” This is the only level of enthusiasm I’ll be accepting from now on.
23.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you'd want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
24.
Hubs: I’ve decided I don’t want to have children. Me: You’re about 9 years too late.
25.
Raising teenagers makes raising a toddler look like the easiest time in my life. Sorry for the bad news, toddler parents.
26.
I wanted to be the mum that makes the best cookies but instead I’m the one that has 7 takeout apps on her phone
27.
My toddler has been throwing things, so I bought him a book about managing emotions, which he picked up and threw at me.
28.
I accidentally drank from my husband’s dad mug and the kids didn’t wake me up once last night
29.
Kids only want something when you sit down.
30.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
31.
I’ve never won the lottery but I once made a dinner that all three kids enjoyed at the same time
32.
I think school photo packages are secretly a math test for parents to discover if we're capable of figuring out the one that's the best value. I am confident I have failed this test. Again.