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    25 Married People On Twitter Who Have No Business Making Me Laugh Like This

    "Secret to a successful marriage is to marry the one who matches your values, principles, and thermostat settings."

    We rounded up the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh way harder than they should have:

    1.

    Secret to a successful marriage is to marry the one who matches your values, principles and thermostat settings

    Twitter: @Chhapiness

    2.

    Husband: What’s in the Amazon package? Me: It’s a surprise. H: Me: H: You forgot what you ordered? Me: I forgot what I ordered.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec

    3.

    My wife ate the last donut this morning so I went in her car and readjusted the driver's seat and mirrors.

    Twitter: @RunOldMan

    4.

    My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS

    Twitter: @copymama

    5.

    DATING: what’s mine is yours MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

    Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer

    6.

    Me: it’s been such a shitty year Husband: it really has Me: I’ve thought about this a lot and I know I wouldn’t have got through it without- H: aw babe Me: -Schitts Creek H: what? Me: what?

    Twitter: @MumInBits

    7.

    Me to my 8-year-old: Looks like your dad was right and I was wrong. My husband from 3 rooms away: LOUDER!!!

    Twitter: @Lhlodder

    8.

    Every sofa is a sleeper sofa if you're married long enough.

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal

    9.

    My husband hid the rest of the Doritos because I asked him to. First of all, what the fuck.

    Twitter: @MumInBits

    10.

    My husband eating the bread ends like some kind of superhero. Taking one for the team.

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings

    11.

    Nobody: My husband loudly at 1am: I wonder if there’s a Funko Pop Jesus

    Twitter: @Tobi_Is_Fab

    12.

    [stuck on a home improvement project] Me: I have an idea. Wife: No fire. Me: I'm out of ideas.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

    13.

    Me- *on my actual deathbed* My husband- Have you seen my keys?

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry

    14.

    Husband just called me “Orville RUDEnbacher” because I refused to share my popcorn with him.

    Twitter: @EliMcCann

    15.

    I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

    Twitter: @3sunzzz

    16.

    Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.

    Twitter: @simoncholland

    17.

    The Wife: What are you doing? Me: Dressing for the job I want... The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man

    18.

    Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage. Me: Husband: Me: I'm still not letting you cut my hair.

    Twitter: @Wordesse

    19.

    After so many years of marriage, Men are basically just heating pads for women's feet

    Twitter: @OfficeofSteve

    20.

    Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM

    Twitter: @RodLacroix

    21.

    Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes. Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different? Me: It’s wrong.

    Twitter: @smiles_and_nods

    22.

    "You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

    Twitter: @RodLacroix

    23.

    Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit? Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag? Me: Yes. Husband: Me: Husband: No, I did not.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec

    24.

    I’m starting to think my wife may not find the charming things I do charming.

    Twitter: @TheBoydP

    25.

    Husband: I need to check the smoke detectors. Can you cook something? Me:

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy

    If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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