We rounded up the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh way harder than they should have:
1.
Secret to a successful marriage is to marry the one who matches your values, principles and thermostat settings
2.
Husband: What’s in the Amazon package? Me: It’s a surprise. H: Me: H: You forgot what you ordered? Me: I forgot what I ordered.
3.
My wife ate the last donut this morning so I went in her car and readjusted the driver's seat and mirrors.
4.
My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS
5.
DATING: what’s mine is yours MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
6.
Me: it’s been such a shitty year Husband: it really has Me: I’ve thought about this a lot and I know I wouldn’t have got through it without- H: aw babe Me: -Schitts Creek H: what? Me: what?
7.
Me to my 8-year-old: Looks like your dad was right and I was wrong. My husband from 3 rooms away: LOUDER!!!
8.
Every sofa is a sleeper sofa if you're married long enough.
9.
My husband hid the rest of the Doritos because I asked him to. First of all, what the fuck.
10.
My husband eating the bread ends like some kind of superhero. Taking one for the team.
11.
Nobody: My husband loudly at 1am: I wonder if there’s a Funko Pop Jesus
12.
[stuck on a home improvement project] Me: I have an idea. Wife: No fire. Me: I'm out of ideas.
13.
Me- *on my actual deathbed* My husband- Have you seen my keys?
14.
Husband just called me “Orville RUDEnbacher” because I refused to share my popcorn with him.
15.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
16.
Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.
17.
The Wife: What are you doing? Me: Dressing for the job I want... The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
18.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage. Me: Husband: Me: I'm still not letting you cut my hair.
19.
After so many years of marriage, Men are basically just heating pads for women's feet
20.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM
21.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes. Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different? Me: It’s wrong.
22.
"You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
23.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit? Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag? Me: Yes. Husband: Me: Husband: No, I did not.
24.
I’m starting to think my wife may not find the charming things I do charming.
25.
Husband: I need to check the smoke detectors. Can you cook something? Me: