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    25 Married People On Twitter Who Have No Business Making Me Laugh Like This

    "Secret to a successful marriage is to marry the one who matches your values, principles, and thermostat settings."

    We rounded up the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh way harder than they should have:


    Secret to a successful marriage is to marry the one who matches your values, principles and thermostat settings

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    Husband: What’s in the Amazon package? Me: It’s a surprise. H: Me: H: You forgot what you ordered? Me: I forgot what I ordered.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My wife ate the last donut this morning so I went in her car and readjusted the driver's seat and mirrors.

    Twitter: @RunOldMan


    My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS

    Twitter: @copymama


    DATING: what’s mine is yours MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

    Twitter: @TheCatWhisprer


    Me: it’s been such a shitty year Husband: it really has Me: I’ve thought about this a lot and I know I wouldn’t have got through it without- H: aw babe Me: -Schitts Creek H: what? Me: what?

    Twitter: @MumInBits


    Me to my 8-year-old: Looks like your dad was right and I was wrong. My husband from 3 rooms away: LOUDER!!!

    Twitter: @Lhlodder


    Every sofa is a sleeper sofa if you're married long enough.

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    My husband hid the rest of the Doritos because I asked him to. First of all, what the fuck.

    Twitter: @MumInBits


    My husband eating the bread ends like some kind of superhero. Taking one for the team.

    Twitter: @BunAndLeggings


    Nobody: My husband loudly at 1am: I wonder if there’s a Funko Pop Jesus

    Twitter: @Tobi_Is_Fab


    [stuck on a home improvement project] Me: I have an idea. Wife: No fire. Me: I'm out of ideas.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    Me- *on my actual deathbed* My husband- Have you seen my keys?

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


    Husband just called me “Orville RUDEnbacher” because I refused to share my popcorn with him.

    Twitter: @EliMcCann


    I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

    Twitter: @3sunzzz


    Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    The Wife: What are you doing? Me: Dressing for the job I want... The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

    Twitter: @a_simpl_man


    Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage. Me: Husband: Me: I'm still not letting you cut my hair.

    Twitter: @Wordesse


    After so many years of marriage, Men are basically just heating pads for women's feet

    Twitter: @OfficeofSteve


    Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes. Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different? Me: It’s wrong.

    Twitter: @smiles_and_nods


    "You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit? Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag? Me: Yes. Husband: Me: Husband: No, I did not.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    I’m starting to think my wife may not find the charming things I do charming.

    Twitter: @TheBoydP


    Husband: I need to check the smoke detectors. Can you cook something? Me:

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy

    If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!