We rounded up the funniest recent parenting tweets we could find, and they prove that being a parent is a serious, serious hoot:
1.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
2.
my four year old just asked me to eat the rest of her fries and i wept for suddenly the pain of childbirth was erased
3.
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?” - my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
4.
Me: How’s your foot, buddy? 4: It still hurts. Me: What would help? 4: Maybe donuts? We need to try or we won’t know. This kid gets it.
5.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
6.
5-year-old: Dad, you're cool. Me: What do you want? 5: Nothing. Me: Well, thanks. 5: Can I have ice cream?
7.
My daughter asked why she can’t eat tacos every day and honestly, I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from.
8.
ME: *exists* KID: that’s not how mommy does it
9.
My son washed his own bedding last night so I’m torn between being thrilled and mortified as to why he washed his own bedding.
10.
Offered my daughter an apple and instead of just answering she said “cows make milk, bees make honey and apples make pies” like she was citing from some kind of Preschool Oracle.
11.
I told my son he can’t have chocolate for breakfast. After 5 minutes of crying and screaming, we compromised and both had chocolate for breakfast.
12.
10-year-old: Why do people eat salads? Me: They want to be healthy. Do you want to try one? 10: No, I want to be happy.
13.
My 3 year old is SCREAMING because a car just like my wife's passed us on the freeway and she wants to tell her hi. Did I mention that we just dropped my wife off at work? Did I mention that we are in my wife's car?
14.
Me: has someone been playing games on my phone? My kids: not us! My phone:
15.
I just clomped down the stairs loudly because of my heels and my son said, “Oh somebody gonna be in trouble today. She’s wearing the mean shoes.”
16.
Someone taught my 4 year old about April Fool’s Day and his idea of a trick was to dump a bowl of cornflakes on the floor and laugh at me
17.
I asked my son to bring me my glass of wine. He brought me the entire bottle and it’s like, FINALLY, someone who actually listens to me.
18.
I’m sad that no one will publish my children’s book, “You Don’t Need to Use Five Fucking Towels a Day.”
19.
My 10 year old just told me that he is “simply a soul inhabiting a mobile meat vessel” and now I’m thinking I should start asking him to identify pictures of crosswalks.
20.
*Middle of dinner* My kid: Can I have a snack?
21.
My 3-year-old called his ice cream chocolate soup & now he's going to be my life coach
22.
If you don’t keep a huge stockpile of drive-thru napkins in your car, are you even a dad?
23.
I told my preteen I was gonna tell all her friends that she secretly loves side parts and skinny jeans and now she’s doing her chores without complaining
24.
Went to pay for my Starbucks in the drive-thru & the barista said “the handsome man behind you is going to pay for yours!” I look back & say “oh! that’s my husband!” She said “that’s so sweet! You’re lucky!” & then my son hollered “yeah you don’t live with him!” Kids are fun.
25.
5-year-old: BOO! Me: 5: Am I scary? Me: You have no idea.