Parents·Posted on Feb 15, 202021 Brutally Funny Marriage Tweets I Really Shouldn't Be Laughing At"Due to personal reasons, I'll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week."by Asia McLainBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail Everyone knows that marriage is "for better or for worse." Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF Well, these married people sum up the "for worse" part in the most seriously hilarious way: 1. Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 Wedding vows should be updated to include, “Do you promise to love & cherish him even when he swears he can’t find something & it’s right in front of his face?” 08:13 PM - 12 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Wife: Wanna fool around tonight? Me: I haven’t shaved, I'm really gassy and my hemorrhoids are killing me. Wife: You could have just said “no.” Me [already naked]: WHY WOULD I SAY NO? 01:48 AM - 07 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Maryfairyboberry @MaryJustice86 Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week. 01:14 PM - 29 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn [getting ready to go out] Wife: What are you wearing? Me: This. Wife: Me: Not this. Wife: Good guess. 08:46 PM - 01 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Vision Bored 💗 @VisionBored1 I was out of coffee the other morning so my husband said ‘why don’t you just have tea instead’ and next time he wanted a blow job I said ‘why don’t you have tea instead’ and maybe it caused a fight I don’t know 01:39 PM - 05 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Simon Holland @simoncholland Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money. Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice. 01:02 PM - 19 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. salty dog @doggiedogthedog I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked? 01:22 PM - 18 Jan 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Professional Worrier @pro_worrier_ My husband put the toilet paper on the roll. Does that mean I have to do that thing he likes? 09:18 PM - 04 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Crockett™️ @CrockettForReal In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries. 12:25 PM - 31 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Jessie @mommajessiec Me: Do you remember when I told you- Husband: No. 03:05 PM - 28 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz My husband has been grocery shopping for an hour and hasn't texted me any questions. My worst fear has come true, he's become self-sufficient. 10:51 PM - 13 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. mark @TheCatWhisprer ME: *sets down anything* WIFE: [from the other room] please don’t leave that there 07:26 PM - 01 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer My husband woke up in the best mood. He’s whistling and talking nonstop and asking me things like, “what’s on the agenda today?” and it’s not even 8:30 am so anyway it was a good run but all good things must come to an end. 01:20 PM - 30 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Felicia @LostFelicia When I tell my husband to do that thing I like, he usually hands me all his money and a grilled cheese sandwich. 06:43 PM - 08 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Husband: Did you forget to run the dishwasher again? Me: *using a paper plate, plastic spoon, and drinking out of a toothbrush holder* No, why? 05:37 PM - 07 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Arianna Bradford @TheNYAMProject I like to think of marriage as a partnership, but like one of those cop movie partnerships, where one of you is the grizzled pro who’s two days from retirement and one of you is the wide-eyed rookie and everyone is just trying to guess which one of you dies first. 10:00 PM - 28 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Go Ask Your Dad @_goaskyourdad_ Kid: “Mom! I can’t find my shoes!” Me to my husband: “Seriously, why am I responsible for everyone’s shit all the time?!” Husband: “Do you know where my jeans are?” 12:57 AM - 07 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Simon Holland @simoncholland My wife puts groceries on the conveyor belt like there may be an award for most organized. 02:21 PM - 30 Jan 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Me [opening laptop]: What's our computer password? Wife: It's our anniversary date. Me: Ohhh. Wife: Me: Wife: You have no idea, do you? Me [closing laptop]: Yes of course I just don't want to use the computer anymore. 01:51 PM - 06 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 My husband is out in the garage looking for something of his that I threw away weeks ago. Do I just run away now & start my new life? 12:34 AM - 02 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Arianna Bradford @TheNYAMProject My husband: We were way over on groceries last month. Me: How did THAT happen? Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches... Me: ... Him: ...babe, that’s bad. Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE 08:02 PM - 06 Feb 2020 Reply Retweet Favorite