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21 Brutally Funny Marriage Tweets I Really Shouldn't Be Laughing At

"Due to personal reasons, I'll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week."

Everyone knows that marriage is "for better or for worse."


Well, these married people sum up the "for worse" part in the most seriously hilarious way:


Wedding vows should be updated to include, “Do you promise to love & cherish him even when he swears he can’t find something & it’s right in front of his face?”


Wife: Wanna fool around tonight? Me: I haven’t shaved, I'm really gassy and my hemorrhoids are killing me. Wife: You could have just said “no.” Me [already naked]: WHY WOULD I SAY NO?


Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week.


[getting ready to go out] Wife: What are you wearing? Me: This. Wife: Me: Not this. Wife: Good guess.


I was out of coffee the other morning so my husband said ‘why don’t you just have tea instead’ and next time he wanted a blow job I said ‘why don’t you have tea instead’ and maybe it caused a fight I don’t know


Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money. Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.


I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?


My husband put the toilet paper on the roll. Does that mean I have to do that thing he likes?


In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries.


Me: Do you remember when I told you- Husband: No.


My husband has been grocery shopping for an hour and hasn't texted me any questions. My worst fear has come true, he's become self-sufficient.


ME: *sets down anything* WIFE: [from the other room] please don’t leave that there


My husband woke up in the best mood. He’s whistling and talking nonstop and asking me things like, “what’s on the agenda today?” and it’s not even 8:30 am so anyway it was a good run but all good things must come to an end.


When I tell my husband to do that thing I like, he usually hands me all his money and a grilled cheese sandwich.


Husband: Did you forget to run the dishwasher again? Me: *using a paper plate, plastic spoon, and drinking out of a toothbrush holder* No, why?


I like to think of marriage as a partnership, but like one of those cop movie partnerships, where one of you is the grizzled pro who’s two days from retirement and one of you is the wide-eyed rookie and everyone is just trying to guess which one of you dies first.


Kid: “Mom! I can’t find my shoes!” Me to my husband: “Seriously, why am I responsible for everyone’s shit all the time?!” Husband: “Do you know where my jeans are?”


My wife puts groceries on the conveyor belt like there may be an award for most organized.


Me [opening laptop]: What's our computer password? Wife: It's our anniversary date. Me: Ohhh. Wife: Me: Wife: You have no idea, do you? Me [closing laptop]: Yes of course I just don't want to use the computer anymore.


My husband is out in the garage looking for something of his that I threw away weeks ago. Do I just run away now & start my new life?


My husband: We were way over on groceries last month. Me: How did THAT happen? Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches... Me: ... Him: ...babe, that’s bad. Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE

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