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    32 Married People On Twitter Who Should Have Majored In "Brutally Hysterical Honesty" In College

    "My husband and I promised to never go to sleep angry. We've been awake since Thursday."

    Marriage is full of ups, downs, in-betweens, and some seriously, seriously hysterical moments.

    So it's a good thing we have the good people on Twitter to get all the way real about it:


    My husband and i promised to never go to sleep angry. We’ve been awake since Thursday.

    Twitter: @jjalenev


    It’s hard for me to talk about but I was catfished at 21. He said he was a business owner, loved cuddling and musicals My husband: it’s called dating. We were dating. Stop making that joke.

    Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids


    My husband calls our Bluetooth speaker Mr Speaker and addresses it as if we are in Parliament.

    Twitter: @toks_w


    My wife just said “I recently read somewhere…” and then said something I told her, very intense to witness

    Twitter: @magicmikecastle


    My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

    Twitter: @Parkerlawyer


    There was an empty space in my house for 5 minutes but don’t worry, my wife found a plant to put there

    Twitter: @dadpickupline


    my husband: so I meant to tell you [runs sink] [clashes plates while emptying dishwasher] [walks into the bathroom and closes the door] [comes back into the kitchen] what do you think?

    Twitter: @notmythirdrodeo


    Car trips with my wife are great ‘cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates.

    Twitter: @daddygofish


    marriage means taking a vow of earnest interest in your partner's interests. extended literally, this means my husband is obligated to care about the latest drama on cottagecore instagram and i'm obligated to hear about every single combo his latest guilty gear character can do

    Twitter: @kchironis


    Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety

    Twitter: @deloisivete


    Me: You sound a little hoarse. Wife: Just call me Little Sebastion. Me: If I could, I'd marry you again.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    accidentally used my husbands body wash and now i don’t move out of the way when someone’s walking toward me

    Twitter: @mom_tho


    Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like "Honey, please hand me a waffle knife" and watch him panic.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    My husband went to bed early and said I could watch the next episode of our show without him and wow what a kind and selfless man who puts others before himself and…I’m now realizing that jerk watched that episode without me.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My husband and I take turns burping into the phone when answering spam calls, because teamwork makes the dream work.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    my wife says my interest in miniature tools is an obsession but i keep telling her that it’s just a little vise

    Twitter: @UncleDuke1969


    No one: My husband: You want to know what I think? Me: * hits unsubscribe button*

    Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine


    Look, if your wife makes something for the potluck, you have to have a huge helping and you HAVE to tell everyone how great it is. Those are the rules.

    Twitter: @FatherWithTwins


    The pillow wall my wife built is one thing but the “No Trespassing” sign seems a bit excessive.

    Twitter: @Shade510


    I went into another room and couldn’t remember why so I asked my husband and he didn’t know either which makes him partly to blame for this whole fiasco

    Twitter: @MumInBits


    "I love your dress." "It has pockets!" —The conversation my wife has had with literally every single woman on this cruise

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    My husband sure says “you’re crazy” a lot for someone who chose to marry me.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    my wife is having a weekend getaway with one of her friends. I told her my hourly rate for babysitting 3 kids for 3 days and now my face hurts and I'm bleeding from my nose

    Twitter: @dadmann_walking


    Husband didn’t notice my new haircut. In unrelated news, who wants a a brand new set of golf clubs for $20?

    Twitter: @smiles_and_nods


    I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    The biggest lie my wife & I tell ourselves is this will be the weekend we remember to donate those boxes of clothes

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    My son had HS freshman orientation today. My husband thought it would be a good idea to remind me that he and I met when we were HS sophomores. I am not okay.

    Twitter: @pro_worrier_


    Wife: Oh no. You ruined that picture. Me: How? Wife: You were in it.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald's

    Twitter: @FatherWithTwins


    husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests me: yes...for our guests

    Twitter: @deloisivete


    I once made the mistake of telling the wife I thought the hardest thing about having an affair would be keeping up the deceit. She just laughed, mumbling something about me keeping anything 𝘶𝘱 long enough would be far more of a challenge.

    Twitter: @Gupton68


    As my husband gazes at the fresh strawberries on the counter, I know exactly what he’s thinking. He’s wondering what they would taste like wrapped in bacon.

    Twitter: @ddsmidt

    If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!