Parents·Posted on Aug 17, 202232 Married People On Twitter Who Should Have Majored In "Brutally Hysterical Honesty" In College"My husband and I promised to never go to sleep angry. We've been awake since Thursday."by Asia McLainBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail Marriage is full of ups, downs, in-betweens, and some seriously, seriously hysterical moments. Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF So it's a good thing we have the good people on Twitter to get all the way real about it: 1. jalene @jjalenev My husband and i promised to never go to sleep angry. We’ve been awake since Thursday. 04:07 AM - 10 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @jjalenev 2. I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids It’s hard for me to talk about but I was catfished at 21. He said he was a business owner, loved cuddling and musicals My husband: it’s called dating. We were dating. Stop making that joke. 03:13 AM - 16 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids 3. Toks W. @toks_w My husband calls our Bluetooth speaker Mr Speaker and addresses it as if we are in Parliament. 03:00 AM - 13 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @toks_w 4. mike castle @magicmikecastle My wife just said “I recently read somewhere…” and then said something I told her, very intense to witness 11:07 PM - 12 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @magicmikecastle 5. Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF. 01:08 PM - 14 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Parkerlawyer 6. Dad Pickup Line @dadpickupline There was an empty space in my house for 5 minutes but don’t worry, my wife found a plant to put there 07:26 PM - 27 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @dadpickupline 7. mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo my husband: so I meant to tell you [runs sink] [clashes plates while emptying dishwasher] [walks into the bathroom and closes the door] [comes back into the kitchen] what do you think? 12:52 PM - 09 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @notmythirdrodeo 8. Daddy Go Fish @daddygofish Car trips with my wife are great ‘cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates. 04:08 PM - 15 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @daddygofish 9. Katie Chironis @kchironis marriage means taking a vow of earnest interest in your partner's interests. extended literally, this means my husband is obligated to care about the latest drama on cottagecore instagram and i'm obligated to hear about every single combo his latest guilty gear character can do 05:45 PM - 31 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @kchironis 10. meghan @deloisivete Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety 02:06 PM - 04 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @deloisivete 11. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Me: You sound a little hoarse. Wife: Just call me Little Sebastion. Me: If I could, I'd marry you again. 01:52 PM - 09 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn 12. That Mom Tho @mom_tho accidentally used my husbands body wash and now i don’t move out of the way when someone’s walking toward me 10:37 PM - 10 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mom_tho 13. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like "Honey, please hand me a waffle knife" and watch him panic. 05:41 PM - 03 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 14. Jessie @mommajessiec My husband went to bed early and said I could watch the next episode of our show without him and wow what a kind and selfless man who puts others before himself and…I’m now realizing that jerk watched that episode without me. 07:11 PM - 02 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 15. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband and I take turns burping into the phone when answering spam calls, because teamwork makes the dream work. 03:52 PM - 11 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 16. Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 my wife says my interest in miniature tools is an obsession but i keep telling her that it’s just a little vise 12:29 PM - 10 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @UncleDuke1969 17. KJ @IDontSpeakWhine No one: My husband: You want to know what I think? Me: * hits unsubscribe button* 03:01 PM - 05 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine 18. Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins Look, if your wife makes something for the potluck, you have to have a huge helping and you HAVE to tell everyone how great it is. Those are the rules. 10:21 PM - 06 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @FatherWithTwins 19. Shade 5 🎬 @Shade510 The pillow wall my wife built is one thing but the “No Trespassing” sign seems a bit excessive. 04:59 PM - 08 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Shade510 20. MumInBits @MumInBits I went into another room and couldn’t remember why so I asked my husband and he didn’t know either which makes him partly to blame for this whole fiasco 04:28 PM - 30 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @MumInBits 21. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn "I love your dress." "It has pockets!" —The conversation my wife has had with literally every single woman on this cruise 02:31 PM - 13 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn 22. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband sure says “you’re crazy” a lot for someone who chose to marry me. 05:36 PM - 25 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 23. Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking my wife is having a weekend getaway with one of her friends. I told her my hourly rate for babysitting 3 kids for 3 days and now my face hurts and I'm bleeding from my nose 05:55 PM - 29 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @dadmann_walking 24. Andi @smiles_and_nods Husband didn’t notice my new haircut. In unrelated news, who wants a a brand new set of golf clubs for $20? 05:46 PM - 28 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @smiles_and_nods 25. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations. 04:32 PM - 08 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 26. A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut The biggest lie my wife & I tell ourselves is this will be the weekend we remember to donate those boxes of clothes 10:33 PM - 17 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut 27. Professional Worrier @pro_worrier_ My son had HS freshman orientation today. My husband thought it would be a good idea to remind me that he and I met when we were HS sophomores. I am not okay. 07:58 PM - 09 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @pro_worrier_ 28. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Wife: Oh no. You ruined that picture. Me: How? Wife: You were in it. 08:04 PM - 11 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn 29. Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald's 12:50 AM - 06 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @FatherWithTwins 30. meghan @deloisivete husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests me: yes...for our guests 09:07 PM - 01 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @deloisivete 31. bacon popsicle 🍆 @Gupton68 I once made the mistake of telling the wife I thought the hardest thing about having an affair would be keeping up the deceit. She just laughed, mumbling something about me keeping anything 𝘶𝘱 long enough would be far more of a challenge. 11:06 AM - 21 Jul 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Gupton68 32. Darla @ddsmidt As my husband gazes at the fresh strawberries on the counter, I know exactly what he’s thinking. He’s wondering what they would taste like wrapped in bacon. 09:48 PM - 08 Aug 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ddsmidt If you think these married people are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!