We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they had us laughing so hard it should be a crime:
1.
Get married so you can argue over who had a worse night sleep.
2.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
3.
Why would I need a haunted house when I can just open the dishwasher and see how my husband arranged the dishes
4.
40% of my wife and I's conversations go like this: me: what? wife: i was talking to the dog
5.
First came love. Then came marriage. Then came
6.
Marriage is sometimes apologizing for stuff you did in your wife's dream
7.
The way I’m complaining about being sick, you would think I’m the husband.
8.
Me: Is it weird that I- Wife: Yes. Me: You didn't let me finish. Wife: Everything you do is weird.
9.
Marriage is telling your spouse you heard about a cool new restaurant on a Monday only for them to repeat to you on a Friday “there’s this cool new restaurant I just heard about”
10.
How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story
11.
Some couples exercise together. My wife and I send each other articles when we're sitting in the same room.
12.
My husband was not muted during his meeting this morning so they heard him apologize to the puppy for “paying the vet to chop off your testicles.”
13.
I like to send love notes in my husband's lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
14.
me, about to ask my wife about her day
15.
Husband: How’s your diet going? Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it* Great!
16.
Please take a moment out of your day to admire this pumpkin my wife carved. His name is Derp.
17.
I tried to say something supportive to my husband but it only freaked him out
18.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
19.
Therapist: have you found time for self care this week? Me: I ate the fries out of my husband’s order while driving home alone with dinner. Therapist: *nods approvingly*
20.
When I'm mad at my husband, I go to target and spend money. When I'm really mad at my husband, I still go to target and spend money but I take his remote with me.
21.
I just asked my husband how much he loves me on a scale of one to ten and he said, without hesitation, “the usual. An 8.” ??????????
22.
My husband accused me of hiding the good snacks. They were in the snack cupboard. Where snacks live.
23.
Marriage involves a lot more shouting “I’M IN THE BATHROOM” than I originally thought.
24.
Pillow talk when you’re married in your 40s is whispering things like “when I die, if you need access to the accounts, just hold my phone up to my dead face”
25.
Wife: Did you do anything on the to-do list? Me: No, but I also didn't add anything new to it. Wife: So you broke even? Me: I call that progress.
26.
this feels oddly similar to how i wound up married to my first wife
27.
It’s amusing that my husband doesn’t want me touching his new MacBook Pro because he thinks I’ll drop it, but he’s totally cool with me picking up our kids.
28.
[Watching shower sex scene in a movie] wife: I bet their water bill is outrageous