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21 Husband Tweets That Literally Made Me Laugh Until My Eyes Watered

"10% of marriage is texting each other, 'Where are you?' from inside the same store."

We rounded up some of the funniest recent husband tweets we could find, and I felt guilty for laughing as hard as I did:



DATING: can’t wait to see you again MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night


Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you’re up....


10% of marriage is texting each other “Where are you?” from inside the same store.


Him: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it


I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.


WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them ME: wait... your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?


Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice


Wife: I made a cake. Me: What's the occasion? Wife: I wanted cake. The best occasion of all.


My wife got a Yankee Candle coupon and I’m not sure if we can afford to save this much money.


[on my deathbed] Me: *motioning for my wife to come closer* ᴬᴿᴱ ʸᴼᵁ ˢᵁᴿᴱ ᴵ ᴸᴼᶜᴷᴱᴰ ᵀᴴᴱ ᶜᴬᴿ


My wife and I are to the point where all I have to do is text her "Hey" and she'll text back "They're on the dresser."


Me: happy anniversary! Wife: *eyes narrow* Me: what Wife: I just think it would be more romantic if you didn't say that every morning just in case


Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher


ME: *blows out my birthday candles WIFE: Did you make a wish? ME: Yes I did. WIFE: *sighs* Did you wish that squirrels could roar like lions, again? ME: Yes I did.


Wife: What are you wearing? Me: I wanted to make a statement. Wife: Was that statement "I don't know how to dress myself?"


wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing


Me: *dressed as a dragon* Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya


Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.


Wife: What the hell are you doing? Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready


My wife and I are both working from home. She microwaved fish. Time to alert HR.

If you think these husbands are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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