21 Husband Tweets That Literally Made Me Laugh Until My Eyes Watered
"10% of marriage is texting each other, 'Where are you?' from inside the same store."
We rounded up some of the funniest recent husband tweets we could find, and I felt guilty for laughing as hard as I did:
1.
My wife, ladies and gentlemen
2.
DATING: can’t wait to see you again MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
3.
Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you’re up....
4.
10% of marriage is texting each other “Where are you?” from inside the same store.
5.
Him: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it
6.
I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.
7.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them ME: wait... your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
8.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
9.
Wife: I made a cake. Me: What's the occasion? Wife: I wanted cake. The best occasion of all.
10.
My wife got a Yankee Candle coupon and I’m not sure if we can afford to save this much money.
11.
![[on my deathbed]
Me: *motioning for my wife to come closer* ᴬᴿᴱ ʸᴼᵁ ˢᵁᴿᴱ ᴵ ᴸᴼᶜᴷᴱᴰ ᵀᴴᴱ ᶜᴬᴿ](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1252671754742444034/SSq4bWSx_normal.jpg)
[on my deathbed] Me: *motioning for my wife to come closer* ᴬᴿᴱ ʸᴼᵁ ˢᵁᴿᴱ ᴵ ᴸᴼᶜᴷᴱᴰ ᵀᴴᴱ ᶜᴬᴿ
12.
My wife and I are to the point where all I have to do is text her "Hey" and she'll text back "They're on the dresser."
13.
Me: happy anniversary! Wife: *eyes narrow* Me: what Wife: I just think it would be more romantic if you didn't say that every morning just in case
14.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
15.
ME: *blows out my birthday candles WIFE: Did you make a wish? ME: Yes I did. WIFE: *sighs* Did you wish that squirrels could roar like lions, again? ME: Yes I did.
16.
Wife: What are you wearing? Me: I wanted to make a statement. Wife: Was that statement "I don't know how to dress myself?"
17.
![wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/809790240416092160/jGwR5k3K_normal.jpg)
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
18.
Me: *dressed as a dragon* Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
19.
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.
20.
![Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1290307727483338754/oEHbscaD_normal.jpg)
Wife: What the hell are you doing? Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready
21.
My wife and I are both working from home. She microwaved fish. Time to alert HR.