1.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes "Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep."
2.
If your sexytime music is cartoons playing loudly outside your locked door, you might be a parent.
3.
Husband and I wrestled behind closed doors this morning. My daughter busted in and pounced on his back. No one won the wrestling match. No one.
4.
Me: Do that thing I like Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]
5.
[Married pillow-talk] Husband: What's your deepest fantasy? Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table.
6.
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.
7.
Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like, "We need to check the kids for lice" and "please buy tampons".
8.
Having sex when you're a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.
9.
Before kids: shower sex After kids: shower decontamination
10.
Him: What are you wearing? Me: Medical-grade hospital socks with anti-slip technology.
11.
The best thing about sex after kids is probably no matter where in your house or car you do it, you end up with legos, Barbie shoes, or Shopkins lodged in your body
12.
People think being a dad is just wearing cargo shorts and making lame jokes but you also got to have sex at least once and that was cool.
13.
[alarm goes off] Wife: Unnngh. I don’t want to get out of bed. Me: If you stay in bed, I’m going to try to have sex with you. Wife: Me: Hon? Wife: [already at work]
14.
Dear parents who photograph their children napping or set up dinosaur scenes while their kids are sleeping: You should be having sex.
15.
Initiating sex before kids: "Hey, you look nice..." Initiating sex after kids: "How tired are you?"
16.
It's when you and your spouse start referring to each other as "Mommy" and "Daddy" that you realize you're never having sex ever again.
17.
Husband walking around in a towel...I swear if our son was sleeping and I wasn't so tired and...who am I kidding..#nosexlife #babysonogravy
18.
Lack of sex after kids isn’t due to lack of desire. It’s due to being completely sapped of your will to live, let alone have sex, after the debacle that is getting the kids to bed.
19.
So sick of blog posts with titles like: Parents tell what sex is really like after having kids. I'm over here thinking, "There's sex?"