Internet Finds·Posted on Jun 7, 202250 Married People On Twitter Who Said Some Hysterical Things They'll Definitely Regret Later"My wife just told me her birthday is tomorrow — like, wow, maybe more of a heads-up next time."by Asia McLainBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail Marriage is full of good days, bad days, and days that are pretty damn hilarious. Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF So it's a good thing we have the hysterical husbands and wives on Twitter to sum it up for us in all its seriously funny glory: 1. KJ @IDontSpeakWhine I just apologized to my husband because I moved his lawn mowing shoes from the top of the shoe rack to the bottom and he couldn't find them. Marriage is weird. 01:32 PM - 15 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @IDontSpeakWhine 2. meghan @deloisivete A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need 02:06 PM - 18 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @deloisivete 3. Average Dad @Average_Dad1 My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part 12:32 AM - 16 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Average_Dad1 4. Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened????? 11:31 PM - 25 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @LizerReal 5. Dan Regan @Social_Mime My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her. 02:00 PM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Social_Mime 6. SpacedMom @copymama I’m no couples therapist, but I know the secret to a strong marriage is gossiping about how various friends and family can possibly afford things on their income. 12:53 PM - 17 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @copymama 7. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband is taking up extra space in our closet because he likes his boxer briefs on clip hangers. Please don’t talk to me about your problems. 04:47 PM - 19 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 8. Ygrene™ @Ygrene my wife just told me her birthday is tomorrow like wow maybe more of a heads up next time 12:56 AM - 24 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Ygrene 9. That Mom Tho @mom_tho what my husband says he loves doing: watching baseball what he actually loves doing: leaving all the cabinet doors open 02:31 PM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mom_tho 10. Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking tomorrow my wife and i are installing the underground dog fence. i have planned it out well. can't wait to go to petsmart and lowes 42 more times and be divorced by 3pm. 11:55 AM - 20 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @dadmann_walking 11. mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 @mariana057 Marriage is having your spouse sit next to you and play loud videos on their phone while you’re trying to watch your favorite show. 01:13 AM - 12 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mariana057 12. ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl my husband is making me a homemade funfetti cake for my bday and he’s already asked me FOUR TIMES for help. if that man asks me for help ONE more time…….im gonna keep helping him because I appreciate the effort and I love him and I love cake 04:21 PM - 26 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl 13. smerobin @smerobin My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger. 04:40 PM - 13 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @smerobin 14. Professional Worrier @pro_worrier_ My husband winked at me as he folded clothes. Is this foreplay? 04:02 PM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @pro_worrier_ 15. smerobin @smerobin Instacart - For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them. 07:58 PM - 10 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @smerobin 16. Jessie @mommajessiec Without me, my husband would still be lost in that IKEA. 04:37 PM - 26 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 17. My Life As Dad @milifeasdad Dating: "Wanna share a strawberry smoothie?" Married: "Quit holding your coffee mug loudly!" 01:59 PM - 24 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @milifeasdad 18. Sweet Momissa 🪁 @sweetmomissa I’ve been married for almost 20 years, have three kids and I seriously still shave my legs everyday like I’m going to have unplanned sex ever again. 11:33 AM - 02 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sweetmomissa 19. Crac⚡ked @a_simpl_man Me: I love sundress weather. My wife: TAKE THAT OFF! 11:23 AM - 01 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @a_simpl_man 20. ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl trans men are MEN. for instance I can tell my husband 50 times about my friend sarah and he’ll STILL be like “wait who’s sarah” 05:18 PM - 04 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl 21. Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 me: *opens car door* wife: where are you going? me: my country needs me 01:24 PM - 20 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @UncleDuke1969 22. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Husband: Do you still think I’m young and hip? Me: You’re old enough to break a hip. 04:54 PM - 12 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 23. Tiffany @tiffanytweets80 My husband and I are going on a cross country road trip. I’m in charge of snacks and entertainment. He’s in charge of “driving straight through” and “beating the GPS time”. ⠀ Clearly we both know our strengths in this relationship. 01:33 PM - 12 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @tiffanytweets80 24. mean things I say to myself @meantomyself My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee 12:24 PM - 28 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @meantomyself 25. Eli McCann @EliMcCann My husband just pulled a "my house, my rules" on me and I think now might be a good time for me to tell him I was too lazy to add him to the title after we got married. 03:29 PM - 13 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @EliMcCann 26. Adam Cerious @Browtweaten wife: *calling me* put ketchup on the grocery list me: ok [one minute later] wife: hello? me: I can't read it anymore 02:02 PM - 29 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Browtweaten 27. Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ @maryfairybobrry My husband is helping me relax this morning by making breakfast for the family. He’s asked me 12 different times what we all want to eat, set off the smoke alarm twice and is now yelling for everyone to eat cereal 01:26 PM - 01 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @maryfairybobrry 28. A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut Every night, my wife & I re-enact Highlander by fighting over the covers because there can only be one 11:54 AM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut 29. meghan @deloisivete air-conditioned wife, happy life 05:00 PM - 12 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @deloisivete 30. Alex Wardlaw @Alex_Wardlaw_ My husband just told me a story from “30 years ago.” My mind went “ah yes, the 1970s!” But he meant 1992, and now I need to lie down. 03:43 PM - 14 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Alex_Wardlaw_ 31. Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Husband: You never listen to me. Me: Pizza sounds great, hun! 04:17 PM - 01 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sixfootcandy 32. Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal My husband got a notification that "there's a familiar face" at the door. It was the Amazon delivery guy, y'all. 02:15 PM - 16 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @LizerReal 33. (((Princess of Whales))) @PrincesaBallena sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog - my husband, romancing me 07:22 PM - 29 Apr 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @PrincesaBallena 34. FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud If Mr is pronounced Mister then Dr should be pronounced Dister. Wife: It's too early for your shit. 10:49 AM - 28 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sofarrsogud 35. The Cisco Kid Er @TheCiscoKidder My wife left a bunch of hair on the shower wall so to get back at her I fasted for 2 days and lost 7 lbs. 07:02 PM - 25 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @TheCiscoKidder 36. Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness Finished assembling a bookshelf, I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way 01:24 PM - 16 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Chhapiness 37. Jessie @mommajessiec My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides. 03:32 PM - 20 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 38. Sweet Momissa 🪁 @sweetmomissa There are people who set their AC to 75 degrees and people who set theirs to 60, and then they marry each other. 11:19 AM - 23 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @sweetmomissa 39. Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke 09:23 PM - 30 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Chhapiness 40. ThisOneSays @ThisOneSayz Nothing gave me more pleasure than watching my husband panic when he was filling out insurance papers and it asked about “spouse’s weight”. 08:15 PM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ThisOneSayz 41. Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat I rarely argue with strangers on the internet because I already have a husband. 01:29 PM - 17 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @LoveNLunchmeat 42. Average Dad @Average_Dad1 My wife will pull a drink straight out of the fridge and immediately put ice cubes in it. The absolute disrespect to our refrigerator 03:13 AM - 11 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Average_Dad1 43. Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer My husband chose this weekend to attempt to build a stone patio for his grill. Anyhoooo I’m just watching him destroy our backyard two days before an outdoor party we are throwing. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Perfectly. Fine. 12:09 AM - 07 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Parkerlawyer 44. Jessie @mommajessiec I once mowed the grass too short. It took my lawn a week to recover. My husband has yet to recover. 02:14 PM - 14 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec 45. A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut My wife wanted to be served in bed today, but I guess she didn't mean a Yo Momma joke. Marriage can be confusing sometimes. 09:31 PM - 08 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut 46. DonutHawk @StruggleDisplay The hubs accidentally shrunk my favorite top so now I will accidentally leave 1 second remaining on the microwave timer so we both can suffer 11:46 AM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @StruggleDisplay 47. Crac⚡ked @a_simpl_man My wife just described morning sex as "I'm still in a haze so it's easier" whatever that means. 12:50 PM - 15 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @a_simpl_man 48. Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3 My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family 11:57 AM - 02 Jun 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @reallifemommy3 49. Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness Get married so your wife can correct you saying Jaalapen.. Haalaaapee.... Yallapeen... that green Mexican pepper 01:11 PM - 31 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @Chhapiness 50. Jessie @mommajessiec Even after 15 years of marriage, my husband still can’t take his eyes off me when I’m backing the car out of the driveway. 04:40 PM - 15 May 2022 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @mommajessiec If you think these husbands and wives are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!