We rounded up some of the funniest recent husband tweets we could find, which prove that when husbands tweet, they keep it all the way 100:
1.
Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.
2.
The look in my wife’s eyes when she left for Target makes me think she is going to try and save the economy in one trip.
3.
my wife was feeling pretty confident walking into divorce court but she didn’t know i had pictures
4.
The best thing about being married is having clothes that match.
5.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
6.
Wife: What are you doing? Me: Taking a virtual tour of Pharoah Ramesses VI's tomb. Wife: What are you supposed to be doing? Me: ...not this? Wife: *buries me in unfolded laundry*
7.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
8.
My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay.
9.
girl at bar: i’d let you do that thing in bed that your wife won’t me: [visibly excited] eat cookies?
10.
My wife said I walk like an elephant and she can hear me coming a mile away. So I did the mature thing and snuck up on her 60 seconds later and scared the shit out of her. She has now filed for divorce.
11.
Wife: is it hard? Me: not yet but if we get naked- Wife: the taxes, not your dick. Me: oh...yeah I’m pretty confused actually. Wife: clearly.
12.
Anytime my wife has scissors in her hand I dial 9-1 on my phone and wait.
13.
[road trip] Me: Want me to drive for a while? Wife: Sure. Me: Oh. That wasn't a real offer.
14.
Just a heads up, if you exchange the gift your wife got you, even if it’s her idea and she’s quote “totally fine with it”, this act will be used against you in a future argument at some point in the next ten years
15.
I always say “I love you” to my wife when she leaves because I’d hate for something to happen and the last thing she ever hears from me is, “while you’re at the store get poop bags.”
16.
my wife says I’m acting like a toddler but maybe she shouldn’t have put my food on the wrong plate
17.
There are 2 types of people in a marriage: the person who thinks their way of loading the dishwasher is best and the person who thinks their way of loading the dishwasher is best
18.
ME: *walks by to put anything away* WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
19.
My wife can slice cheese without eating a slice herself and I am starting to wonder if she is even human.
20.
[text] Me: Sex tonight? Wife: Unsubscribe
21.
Marriage is about finding that one special person to play “who’s going to empty the bathroom trashcan” chicken with for the rest of your lives.
22.
I forgot today was our anniversary but my wife forgot too and that’s really the best gift she has ever given me.