We rounded up some of the funniest recent dad tweets we could find, and they are so hilariously real:
1.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
2.
Got to my daughter’s elementary school an hour early so I could be 12th in line for pickup.
3.
7-year-old: *intently builds something out of Legos* Me: What are you making? 7: The Legos haven't told me yet.
4.
Stepping down from my job to devote myself full time to reading the emails from my kids schools
5.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
6.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
7.
son: can I have your phone? me: no son: can I have your phone? me: no son: can I have your phone? me: no son: can I have your phone? me: WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?!? son: I want to look up what it sounds like when a giraffe farts me: why didn't you lead with that? have a seat.
8.
20% of parenting is just washing cups.
9.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
10.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
11.
OMG I hope no one finds out I have a family. -Teenagers
12.
Kid: *excitedly* I made you a cookie Me: *taking a bite* mmm so good Kid: those look like chocolate chips right? Me: *gagging* they sure do
13.
My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten: "He doesn't really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate."
14.
My daughter would unplug my life support to plug in her iPod.
15.
Schools sure have improved since I was a kid. My 4 year old has only been going 3 weeks and he “already knows everything” and apparently doesn’t need to go anymore
16.
Son [texting]: Hey dad Me: STOP TEXTING ME FROM SCHOOL YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION Son: okay but a new James Bond trailer just came out Me: omg send me the link
17.
As a parent, I was prepared for the boy to get into violent video games, but I was not prepared for him to become obsessed with a vineyard management sim called Terroir and get upset about critics slagging off his Zinfandel
18.
My 5-year-old: Grandma is so nice! Me: [mutters] maybe to you.
19.
at midnight 6 went through the dark house quietly to not wake his brothers, traveled up the stairs softly, entered our room as quiet as a mouse, got right up to the side of our bed and at volume 300 scream and cried that an alarm was going off in his bedroom. i almost died.
20.
My 4yo walked up to me and stabbed me with a fork. I didn’t realize we’d play using prison rules today.
21.
Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers
22.
Parenting books don’t tell you that when you start playing video games with your kids you go easy on them so not to completely destroy their confidence, but one day you’ll suddenly realise they’re actually letting YOU win and you won’t have a clue when the tables turned
23.
7-year-old: I cleaned my room. Me: I'm impressed. What made you do that? 7: Mom.