We rounded up some of the funniest recent parenting tweets from dads we could find, and they prove that when dads tweet, they keep it seriously, seriously real:
1.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
2.
Welcome to parenthood. You've taken silence for granted your whole life.
3.
My 4-year-old asked my 2-year-old if it was time to fight. 2 checked the calendar and said, "No, not yet." Well, at least they are organized.
4.
Kids mispronouncing things is super adorable but at some point I will have to tell my daughter we don’t put Farmer John cheese on spaghetti.
5.
10-year-old: I accidentally ate all the snacks. Me: How is that an accident? 10: No one stopped me.
6.
One of the kids woke me up to ask if I was still sleeping, if any of you were thinking of having children.
7.
A typical cup holds about 8 ounces of liquid. But if a child spills it, that number increases to 8 gallons.
8.
Me: Give me something strong Bartender: *hands me a toddler who doesn't want to get in his car seat*
9.
My kids just asked Alexa the same question 40 times in a row and I'm pretty sure I heard a sigh before the 36th answer.
10.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists wife: she’s three me: I don’t care how many she is
11.
What’s your favorite part about traveling with kids and why is it not a god damn thing
12.
Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps.
13.
If at first you don’t succeed, pin all your hopes on the second kid.
14.
In a world of many parenting hacks, only one hack remains indisputably effective when you need a kid to do something: "I'll time you."
15.
3yo: what’s sex? Me: something amazing. 3yo: like bubbles? Me: better than bubbles. 3yo: holy shit. Me: totally.
16.
Having kids is great because they ask you all sorts of things like ‘can you freeze farts?’ and then you spend all day thinking about it
17.
The day your kids stop waking up early on the weekend is the same day your body stops letting you sleep in.
18.
I’m in the bathroom and I can hear my 5yo heavily breathing outside the door like some kind of horror movie.
19.
Being a parent means one day you look down to find yourself salting the rim of a plastic Star Wars tumbler to make a margarita
20.
6-year-old: Can I have ice cream? Me: It's a little early. 6: Ice cream can't tell time.
21.
Dear parents of toddlers How many limbs do you have to pin down so you can brush their teeth? Tonight it was only 7.
22.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily. My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”