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    Updated on Jul 13, 2020. Posted on Jul 11, 2020

    24 Brutally Funny Moms Whose Tweets Literally Made My Sides Hurt

    "Good luck robbing my house. My security system is LEGOs on the floor."

    We rounded up some of the funniest parenting tweets from moms that we could find, and they prove that when moms tweet, they keep it way realer than we thought possible:


    Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.


    my daughter threw a tantrum because she felt it was too early to be spoken to and it really is a miracle that we create little versions of ourselves


    My 4yo grabbed the egg off my egg and cheese sandwich, put it on her plate, took a bite of it and then grabbed the rest in her hand, squeezed it shut and handed it back to me saying she didn’t want it anymore. And this... THIS, is why I can’t have nice things.


    Have kids so they can do things like smack your thigh and yell: SO WIGGLY


    My daughter is crying because her sister farted and I sprayed air freshener before she had a chance to sniff it. I’m raising savages.


    "Sorry I don't make the rules" I say blatantly lying to my child about a rule I just made up.


    My son who has just learned how babies are made looked at me and my husband then at his two brothers and said ‘you guys had three sexes right’ so sometimes having kids is kind of alright


    Parenting hack: Tell much lamer bedtime stories than your spouse so that your children will ask for them instead of you every night.


    Have you ever stared at the clouds and picked shapes or pictures out of them? Well, my 4yo does that with her turds .


    The kids were bored so I suggested they play with any of the 8000 toys we have in the house and then we all laughed as I turned on Netflix


    My 4YO fell off his scooter, and before I could help him, he stood up, dusted off, and whispered to himself, “shake it off big dawg.” I’ve never been more confused about whether something was a parenting win or fail.


    Having kids is great if you’ve ever looked at your marriage and thought, “if only we could create some extra conflict...”


    At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.


    I always thought I'd be a patient mom. And then I had to listen to my son tell a story.


    I was celebrating the fact my kids were all playing together nicely. Turns out my 8yo opened a Sharpie “tattoo shop” in his bedroom. My 2yo has “tattoo” barbed wire across her chest and a skull with DEADLOCK scrolled down her arm.


    Does anyone have directions to that village everyone says will raise my children? It sounds wonderful.


    A surprising amount of parenting is bribing your kids with things you don’t want to do, then breathing a sigh of relief when they mess it up so you don’t have to deliver.


    Having kids is a great idea if you’ve ever looked at your markers and thought “if only they were a bit drier...”


    Some days you feel like you could easily win a parenting trophy. Other days you find yourself having to answer question like “do octopuses have nipples?” before you’ve had adequate caffeine.


    Unless you are prepared for someone to yell "MOMMY, I HAVE A TAIL!" and then show you a sock wedged between their little buttcheeks, you are not ready for motherhood. Heed my warning


    My daughter wanted to keep a few rocks from the lake, but I said no, and anyway that's why there are rocks in my purse.


    If listening to your kid tell a story burned calories, I’d be invisible.


    I always thought I’d be a patient mom, but I don’t like who I become 30 seconds into my son’s guided tour of his Minecraft village.


    I’m not saying parenthood is hard, I’m just saying I was a LOT better at it before I had kids.

    If you think these moms are as funny as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

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