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    29 Ruthlessly Funny Married People Who Had No Right To Get This Real On Twitter

    "48% of marriages end in Ikea."

    We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh like no other:


    My wife is reorganizing all of our cabinets and drawers, which means two things: 1) Our house is about to get super clean. 2) I will never find anything again.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    My husband asked me what I need at Target... Target will tell me what I need thanks

    Twitter: @momjeansplease


    Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    when you've just gotten the kids to sleep and your spouse comes crashing into the room

    Twitter: @LizerReal


    Husband: you’re late Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog Husband: No Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

    Twitter: @reallifemommy3


    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

    Twitter: @PoodleSnarf


    Husband: *driving* Me: *breathing judgmentally*

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    It’s very rude of my wife to not tell me what the PTA meeting was about, which both of us attended

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    [wife on deathbed] Husband: I can’t find the ketchup.

    Twitter: @difficultpatty


    *husband walks into room* Well, well, well… if it isn’t the man who let a snake bite me in my dream last night.

    Twitter: @saroanco


    Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target. Husband: How much did we spend? Me: Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    My wife is always cold, but now she’s getting hot flashes. So no matter what the temperature is, I’m an asshole.

    Twitter: @StoneAgeRadio13


    I borrowed my husband's truck. While I was out I saw his exact vehicle with a big dent in the side. I took a photo of it, texted it to him and simply wrote, "Oops".

    Twitter: @3sunzzz


    I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I wear socks with my sandals with her in public.

    Twitter: @TheBoydP


    Every Tuesday my husband is surprised to learn that our son’s 6:30 Tuesday soccer practice occurs every Tuesday at 6:30.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week's session Dracula: *snickering* I can't reflect on anything Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

    Twitter: @English_Channel


    Now that my husband works from home, he’s like a human Visa card: He’s everywhere I want to be.

    Twitter: @copymama


    Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later. Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”? Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

    Twitter: @ThisOneSayz


    My husband did an impersonation of me today. And I can tell he has been working on it for awhile.

    Twitter: @orangecrushable


    My husband just voluntarily took out the trash and I think this might be how every harlequin romance story begins

    Twitter: @maryfairybobrry


    hubby wanted to know what i did while he exercises so instead of confessing i scroll my phone and eat snacks i said i was writing a novel so now i eat snacks and scroll my phone with my laptop open next to me

    Twitter: @mom_tho


    My wife and I have entered into that part of the relationship where when she says "I need you" it means move the couch or kill a bug

    Twitter: @bigpoppadrunk


    My wife used to give the silent treatment until she learned that I loved it.

    Twitter: @RunOldMan


    Me: I'm not firing you, I'm just re-defining your role Husband:

    Twitter: @smerobin


    My husband still gives me butterflies in my stomach. It’s usually when he’s ordering me food, but still…

    Twitter: @sixfootcandy


    “Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?” - IT Department as marriage counselors

    Twitter: @TheRealPalMal


    I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

    Twitter: @mommajessiec


    Wife: I have today off. Me: I have today off, too. Wife: You thinking what I’m thinking? Me: Oh yeah, baby. Both: [napping]

    Twitter: @RodLacroix

    If you think these married people are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!