We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they made us laugh like no other:
1.
My wife is reorganizing all of our cabinets and drawers, which means two things: 1) Our house is about to get super clean. 2) I will never find anything again.
2.
My husband asked me what I need at Target... Target will tell me what I need thanks
3.
Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.
4.
when you've just gotten the kids to sleep and your spouse comes crashing into the room
5.
Husband: you’re late Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog Husband: No Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
6.
48% of marriages end in IKEA.
7.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
8.
Husband: *driving* Me: *breathing judgmentally*
9.
It’s very rude of my wife to not tell me what the PTA meeting was about, which both of us attended
10.
[wife on deathbed] Husband: I can’t find the ketchup.
11.
*husband walks into room* Well, well, well… if it isn’t the man who let a snake bite me in my dream last night.
12.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target. Husband: How much did we spend? Me: Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
13.
My wife is always cold, but now she’s getting hot flashes. So no matter what the temperature is, I’m an asshole.
14.
I borrowed my husband's truck. While I was out I saw his exact vehicle with a big dent in the side. I took a photo of it, texted it to him and simply wrote, "Oops".
15.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I wear socks with my sandals with her in public.
16.
Every Tuesday my husband is surprised to learn that our son’s 6:30 Tuesday soccer practice occurs every Tuesday at 6:30.
17.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week's session Dracula: *snickering* I can't reflect on anything Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
18.
Now that my husband works from home, he’s like a human Visa card: He’s everywhere I want to be.
19.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later. Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”? Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
20.
My husband did an impersonation of me today. And I can tell he has been working on it for awhile.
21.
My husband just voluntarily took out the trash and I think this might be how every harlequin romance story begins
22.
hubby wanted to know what i did while he exercises so instead of confessing i scroll my phone and eat snacks i said i was writing a novel so now i eat snacks and scroll my phone with my laptop open next to me
23.
My wife and I have entered into that part of the relationship where when she says "I need you" it means move the couch or kill a bug
24.
My wife used to give the silent treatment until she learned that I loved it.
25.
Me: I'm not firing you, I'm just re-defining your role Husband:
26.
My husband still gives me butterflies in my stomach. It’s usually when he’s ordering me food, but still…
27.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?” - IT Department as marriage counselors
28.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
29.
Wife: I have today off. Me: I have today off, too. Wife: You thinking what I’m thinking? Me: Oh yeah, baby. Both: [napping]