1.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August! Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
2.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
3.
5-year-old: Do I scare you? Me: Of course 5: Because it's almost Halloween? Me: Because you're my kid.
4.
You’d think my kids would behave knowing that Halloween is coming up and I can charge an asshole tax in the form of chocolate peanut butter cups.
5.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating? Kids: Cars Me: And... Kids: Wine moms
6.
A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.
7.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year! Me: Cool, what color? 8yo: Orange! Me: 8yo: Me: *pours drink* Let's do it
8.
My kid wants $20 to go through a corn maze with his friends, which is $20 more than I normally pay to walk through vegetables.
9.
Wife: how do we explain Halloween to the kids? Me: they put on a mask and ask strangers for candy. Wife: but we said NEVER accept candy from strangers. Me: we’ll tell them one day a year it’s ok. Wife: Me: it’s like the Purge but for Children.
10.
I told my kids that everyone is celebrating Mother’s Day on Halloween so they’re planning to give me first pick of all the candy as a present. Happy Mother’s Day Witches.
11.
I was going to wear a scary costume to take the kids trick or treating, then realized going as a mom with 6 kids is terrifying enough.
12.
You think you’re going to be this Mary Poppins type mom and before you know it you’re threatening to cancel Halloween in the middle of the grocery store.
13.
Funny how everyone at my son's school is commenting on my zombie costume when this is just what I look like now.
14.
9: Daddy, tell me a scary story. *takes off my shirt and holds up a picture from when I was 20 beside me for comparison 9: Dear God...
15.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
16.
Just caught my kids eating our Halloween candy. An hour later my husband caught my kids and me eating our Halloween candy.
17.
My mother goes as a broken record every year for Halloween, which is just her following behind me, telling me what a terrible parent I am.
18.
Me: What do you say when you hold up your bag? 3-year-old: Treat or treat. Me: TRICK or treat. 3: I want two treats.
19.
The only truly scary thing about Halloween is keeping your kids up past bedtime on a school night and giving them extra sugar.
20.
This Halloween, I'm going as a Sexy Parent, which is just a parent who took a shower, got dressed, and is nowhere near any children.
21.
As my son picked through his Halloween candy, he asked, "When can we go get a Christmas tree?" Have kids. It's fun.