1.
My kids wanted to know what it was like to be a Mom so I asked them "WHY?" all day long until they cried & ate a whole chocolate cake.
2.
7-year-old: I need something for school. Me: What? 7: I don't remember. Me: When do you need it? 7: Yesterday.
3.
All I’m saying is parenting should be divided into peak and off peak hours, like train schedules, and off peak should pay more.
4.
3-Month-Old: I AM VERY TIRED! Me: Why don’t you sleep? 3-Month-Old: *eyes welling with tears* How fucking DARE YOU
5.
My toddler wants to do everything by himself which is great except he’s fucking terrible at everything.
6.
There are few things more satisfying than when I lock the bathroom door and then hear my kids unsuccessfully twist the knob trying to barge in like, “Not this time, suckas. Not this time.”
7.
It may be passive aggressive but if my kid wakes me up one more Sunday before 5 AM, I’m taking the straw off her juice box when I pack her lunch.
8.
My son’s kindergarten teacher apparently played “what is your favourite body part” with the class today. Most kids chose their nose. Their eyes. Their ears. Their hair. My son chose his penis. I only know this because his kindergarten teacher confessed that it made her year.
9.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert* Kind stranger: *offers water* Toddler: No, red cup!
10.
Ways to piss off your child. Feed them. Bathe them. Clothe them. Breathe.
11.
You can’t take your kids somewhere, spend money on them, and expect them to have a good time. That’s not how it works.
12.
me: *does anything* my 4yo: [appearing out of nowhere] ok but that’s not how mommy does it
13.
I’m convinced the old lady who lived in a shoe only did it because she knew that was the one place her kids would never be able to find her.
14.
You think you don’t GAF and then your toddler stares you down while shitting in his pants and you realize what not GAF really is.
15.
[teaching teen to drive] Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie. Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat? Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
16.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
17.
Want distressed furniture? Have children.
18.
It's so cute how my sons ignore me when I ask them to do something. It's like they're little husbands in training.
19.
Headed to Target to fist fight some nice moms for the remaining school supplies. If I die please know that I hated most of you.
20.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time. 6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
21.
Me: *overwhelmed, exhausted, drowning in stress* Nobody: Me: Ok fine, I’ll coach soccer.