1.
When my 10yo asks for something and I just give a huge sigh, she says “Yay!” because she knows she’s already won.
2.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it. Me: *makes new sandwich* Kid: This one has too little. Me: *makes one just right* Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
3.
Hi, I’m a mom. My hobbies include running late and yelling at my kids because we are running late.
4.
An exercise video for parents where all the lunges are just you going around the house picking up juice box straw wrappers.
5.
[middle of church] 5-year-old: I have to go potty. Me: Why didn't you go before church? 5: I wasn't bored then.
6.
You think you’re going to be this Mary Poppins type mom and before you know it you’re threatening to cancel Halloween in the middle of the grocery store.
7.
Inventor of Legos: I'm a GENIUS! Inventor of Legos, after having kids: I'm...OW!...an...OW!...IDIOT!...OWW!
8.
Different scented candles moms can burn so everyone can tell what mood they're in like: Frazzle & Laundry Mold, No Fucks & Cleaning Everything With Baby Wipes, Stale Coffee & Bordering a Nervous Breakdown.
9.
60% of a parents diet is eating their child’s leftovers. The other 40% is wine and coffee, depending on who you ask.
10.
My childless friend told me I’m exaggerating the struggles of parenting. I’ve been calling her repeatedly since 5 AM to say hi. She’s picking me up soon and I’ve also got a pocket full of crackers for the floorboard of her car.
11.
A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.
12.
Me: Why is your hair so tangled? Daughter: Syrup Me: Right
13.
If you open a candy bar wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating?
14.
Anytime a kid answers “Um” the next thing they say will be the opposite of what you want to hear
15.
An unexpected benefit of being a parent is becoming great at fractions: Me: Do it before I count down from 3! 3! 2! 1 and a half! 1 and 2 fifths! 1 and 3 twentieths! 1 and 7 hundredths! 1 and 11 two thousandths! I really show the kids who the expert is.
16.
I just tore off the top of a fruit gummy packet with my teeth like a soldier pulling a pin out of a grenade. Then I threw it across the room to my kid and hid in the bathroom. If you think this sounds weird, you probably don't have kids.
17.
Everyone is tired and hungry and crying - an after school special
18.
I can’t tell if this is my kid’s class roster or a list of the Instagram filters
19.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
20.
There are two types of zombie 1. The undead 2. Parents
21.
7-year-old: What's for dinner? Me: I'll tell you if you promise not to complain. 7: *walks away*