1. This friend, who's not really the coddling type:
2. This friend, who will selfie the shit out of your moment of distress:
3. This friend, who will be shady behind your back...literally:
4. This friend, who wasn't able to commit:
5. This friend, who probably won't ever remember your birthday:
6. And this friend, who definitely will:
7. This friend, who makes the important preparations for your arrival:
8. This friend, who is like a way-too-honest mirror:
9. This friend, who schedules a 13% chance of flaking out on you:
10. And this friend, whose plant-sitting skills leave much to be desired:
11. This friend, who only sends you the important emails:
12. This friend, who will call out your lack of a dating life:
13. This friend, who isn't making fun of your misfortune, but:
14. This friend, who will apply for jobs on your behalf:
15. And Evan, who will bring you back down to Earth every damn time.
