1.
Welcome to parenthood!!! The windows in your car will never be clean again.
2.
Just because I showed up late with a coffee in my hand doesn’t mean my kids weren’t 100% the reason we weren’t out the door on time for me to run through the drive through on the way.
3.
*crash* *boom* *house shakes* *water gushes down the stairs* Me: WHAT IS HAPPENING UP THERE?! Kids: Nothing.
4.
My toddler won't wear a shoe with a tiny grain of sand in it, but he can walk around all day with a turd in his pants
5.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word. 5-year-old: Yes. Me: Then why did you? 5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
6.
9-year-old: I'm ready for pizza. Me: It's breakfast time. 9: I said what I said.
7.
I’m sorry for all the things I said when my toddler wouldn’t nap.
8.
Me: need anything at the store? 7: yogurt Me: ok 4: candy Me: no 9: a ukulele Me: what 9: yeah I need one for music class Me: by when? 9: ummm yesterday? Me: what 9: oh yeah and I need to write a song. Me: *adds vodka to list*
9.
3: whatcha watching? Me: I’m not sure yet! 3: oh that sounds good! She might look like me, but she has her father’s listening skills.
10.
When my 2yo laughs at my penis I just thank god he’s too young to remember this. [10 years later] 12yo: Hahaha! Me: what? 12yo: just remembering your dick. Me: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
11.
If you give your 2yo a cup of apple juice and she drinks it all then asks for more which she also drinks and then she yells at you because she doesn’t like apple juice how much of the alcohol can you drink before midday?
12.
one of my kids licked all the Everything off an Everything Bagel and stuck it back in the package and this is why parents can't ever have nice things
13.
Parents are equal parts "My kids give me life" and "I just need everyone to leave me the hell alone."
14.
[Baby shower] Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What's this? Me: A lock box. MTB: For what? Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens... MTB: Me: You'll thank me in 5 years.
15.
An unexpected benefit of being a parent is becoming great at fractions: Me: Do it before I count down from 3! 3! 2! 1 and a half! 1 and 2 fifths! 1 and 3 twentieths! 1 and 7 hundredths! 1 and 11 two thousandths! I really show the kids who the expert is.
16.
Me: I try really hard to not lie to my kids Also me: We can’t go to Disney world it’s locked
17.
Our youngest lightly bumped into something if you're wondering why she's wearing 37 band-aids.
18.
Last night after soccer practice, I was SO hungry, but I didn’t know why. This morning, I opened the microwave, and found my dinner from last night still there. In getting the kids ready for practice, feeding/walking the dogs, etc., I forgot to eat dinner. Parenting is great.
19.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?
20.
Me: What do you want for breakfast? 9-year-old: Waffles, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Me: Your choices are cereal or cereal. 9: Don't expect a tip.
21.
When my 10yo asks for something and I just give a huge sigh, she says “Yay!” because she knows she’s already won.
22.
Left my kids alone in the bathtub for literally 30 seconds only to find one of them eating out of the garbage can and the other eating out of the toilet.
23.
Me: Do that thing I like Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]
24.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it. Me: *makes new sandwich* Kid: This one has too little. Me: *makes one just right* Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
25.
Husband and I wrestled behind closed doors this morning. My daughter busted in and pounced on his back. No one won the wrestling match. No one.
26.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes "Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep."
27.
Me: "You're going to bed in 5 minutes." 6yo: *bends the laws of space and time to make 5 minutes last 4 hours*
28.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
29.
Me: What did you do at school? 8-year-old: Cartwheels. Me: Gym or recess? 8: Math. Teachers don't get paid enough.
30.
The most exciting thing about having kids is never knowing when they will decide to leap onto your body unexpectedly and injure you.
31.
Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
32.
I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
33.
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed narrator: But they never did fool around
34.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
35.
Lost my keys between turning the car off and getting out of it. #newmombrain
36.
FYI you can't snooze the baby monitor
37.
Dr: Would you like to hold ur baby? [flashback to when someone handed me a burrito & it slipped from my hands to the floor] Me: that's ok
38.
Hi, I’m a mom. My hobbies include running late and yelling at my kids because we are running late.
39.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits. Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go! So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!” We all winked at each other and got in our cars. Teamwork.
40.
[text] Son: Hey dad Me: STOP TEXTING ME FROM SCHOOL YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION Son: okay but the trailer for the new Call of Duty game just came out Me: OMG SEND ME THE LINK
41.
Had no idea I would get into so much trouble as an adult until my 3-year-old started saying “but daddy does it” every time she gets in trouble.
42.
My 6 yr old is singing “I guess it rains down in Africa” and if anyone ever corrects her I will hunt them down
43.
hey guys, thanks for inviting me out for drinks tonight but do you remember a couple of years ago I had that baby? well, he's still around, so no
44.
My 6-year-old called ranch dressing "salad frosting" and now I'll never call it anything else.
45.
Him: toddlers have so much fun with water tables, wouldn’t it be fun to have an adult water table? Me: *glances at the kitchen sink and cries a little*
46.
Do I miss having time to myself and sleeping through the night since my kid was born? Yes. But would I give up being a father just for the sake of the extra time in bed on the weekends? Hang on I'm thinking
47.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
48.
My son just complained that we eat pizza too often. I've never been speechless before.
49.
My kids needing to be fed is keeping me from living my best life.
50.
Instead of day drinking we get to take our kid to a birthday party and stand around with our hands in our pockets listening to kids cough.
51.
Someone help my child is broken she only ate the crusts of her pb and banana toast
52.
My patience is a tree. My child is a saw. The results are predictable.
53.
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
54.
Got out of work and picked my five year old who told me: "school's over we get to be people now."
55.
If you don’t kick your kid’s toy across the room after your trip on it, are you even a parent?
56.
I don’t get why people think getting kids to bed is hard all my son needs is: A drink of water 4 songs from Daddy A trip to the potty Superman flight to bed An inventory of his stuffed animals A tissue 2 more songs Look at my watch for 45 seconds And all of this 7 more times
57.
I don’t care if my children have kids or not as long as they have dogs so I can put a magnet on my car that says I love my grand dogs.
58.
*gets kids to school on time* *adds snail herder to resume*
59.
I used to think moms who walked around with wet hair needed to “get it together”. Now I know the truth. They were bragging #momlife
60.
7-year-old: What's for dinner? Me: I'll tell you if you promise not to complain. 7: *walks away*
61.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
62.
Like, what happens if I slip and have a glass of wine or two during this 9-month sobriety challenge? Obstetrician: First of all, it's called "pregnancy."
63.
Wife: She’s wearing her princess dress. Pretend you’re her servant. Me: Pretend?
64.
If you’ve never turned the volume on your car stereo up to drown out the sounds of your kids, are you really even a parent?
65.
Just heard the mom of a newborn tell her crying baby “it’s ok, we’re figuring it out... we’re just on day 8” and honestly I’m on day 3,654 and I’m still figuring it out.
66.
Me: Mommy just needs a little space right now. Child [perched on top of my head]: Why?
67.
I just want to have the confidence of our 14 year old baby sitter when she tells us how much she charges an hour.
68.
Me: *breathing* Tween daughter: God, Mom, quit embarrassing me!
69.
You think you’re going to be this Mary Poppins type mom and before you know it you’re threatening to cancel Halloween in the middle of the grocery store.
70.
We need a Disney princess that screams when her hair is brushed, gets super amped right before bed, and eats like 3 things for dinner ever.
71.
I had to cough but my kids were sleeping so I literally just choked on my own saliva because apparently I choose dying over accidentally waking them up.
72.
Have kids, so someone can ask you to cut up their bagel, and then ask you to put it back together.
73.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store] Lady: you have your hands full Me: the little one is great with cats Lady: what? Me: you can take one Lady: *nervous laugh* Me: they love old people Lady: *walking away* Me: take one, please!
74.
Happy Friday to everyone except the guy that invented toys that turn on in the middle of the night.
75.
[middle of church] 5-year-old: I have to go potty. Me: Why didn't you go before church? 5: I wasn't bored then.
76.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
77.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
78.
You can’t take your kids somewhere, spend money on them, and expect them to have a good time. That’s not how it works.
79.
It is a well-known parenting fact that a toddler’s overwhelming desire to “do something themselves” is directly proportional to the number of minutes you are running late.
80.
I can’t tell if this is my kid’s class roster or a list of the Instagram filters
81.
Hi, i'm a mom. You might know me from some of my Greatest Hits like "I thought your game was cancelled", "please don't fart on your sister", "why are there dirty socks in the refrigerator" and "I've clearly failed as a mother, just wait until your father gets home"
82.
I’m tired of hearing new moms always say their baby is “such a good baby.” Just once, I wanna hear a mom be like, “Yeah, no, my baby’s a real dick.”
83.
I have high standards. I don’t just give in. I hold fast, and don’t let anyone take advantage of me. Unless you’re my 3 year old daughter and you give me a big kiss and say “I yove you, Mommy.” Then, I am yours to command.
84.
An exercise video for parents where all the lunges are just you going around the house picking up juice box straw wrappers.
85.
Different scented candles moms can burn so everyone can tell what mood they're in like: Frazzle & Laundry Mold, No Fucks & Cleaning Everything With Baby Wipes, Stale Coffee & Bordering a Nervous Breakdown.
86.
Me: Get up. 6-year-old: Why? Me: It's Monday. 6: I can't do this every week.
87.
Inventor of Legos: I'm a GENIUS! Inventor of Legos, after having kids: I'm...OW!...an...OW!...IDIOT!...OWW!
88.
My childless friend told me I’m exaggerating the struggles of parenting. I’ve been calling her repeatedly since 5 AM to say hi. She’s picking me up soon and I’ve also got a pocket full of crackers for the floorboard of her car.
89.
60% of a parents diet is eating their child’s leftovers. The other 40% is wine and coffee, depending on who you ask.
90.
Sometimes while he sleeps, we’ll stand over his bed and admire this human we’ve brought into the world. In those moments it’s hard not to want another child. But by morning he’s awake. And we’re sober. And fuuuuuuuuck that.
91.
A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.
92.
Me: Why is your hair so tangled? Daughter: Syrup Me: Right
93.
If you open a candy bar wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating?
94.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
95.
Anytime a kid answers “Um” the next thing they say will be the opposite of what you want to hear
96.
I just tore off the top of a fruit gummy packet with my teeth like a soldier pulling a pin out of a grenade. Then I threw it across the room to my kid and hid in the bathroom. If you think this sounds weird, you probably don't have kids.
97.
Everyone is tired and hungry and crying - an after school special
98.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
99.
There are two types of zombie 1. The undead 2. Parents
100.
Why I should accomplish all my goals today: 1) I'm motivated. 2) I'm ambitious. 3) I planned ahead. Why I won’t: 1) Kids