1. If you’re single, you’re screwed.
2. If all your girl friends have boyfriends, double screwed.
3. You need to buy a new outfit that is fancy, sparkly, over the top, and most importantly, never fit for any other occasion. There goes another 100 bucks down the drain.
4. Asking someone to hang out on New Year’s Eve is the equivalent of asking someone on a first date on Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re dating for awhile, you come off desperate.
5. Every big party has a ticket price of at least $150. That’s you paying $30 an hour to dance around with creepy people like this.
6. That ticket price comes with an open bar… and 200 people standing in line in front of you. P.S. There’s no line to your couch.
7. You can’t even enjoy the countdown because you’re frantically searching for the nearest single, non-hideous person to kiss.
8. It is absolutely pointless. A day has gone by. A birthday signifies you’ve lived for another year. A New Year signifies nothing.
9. You make New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight and eat healthy even though you know you won’t follow through just because you love self-hatred and shame.
10. You only have one day to process all the drunken and shameful mistakes from last night before it’s back to work.
So maybe we should all just skip the insanity of this overhyped holiday and save some hard earned cash. Happy 2014!
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