The Unfortunate Untold Origins Of Elf On The Shelf

Every year he appears on shelves across the world, grinning his creepy elf grin and engaging in fun-loving holiday antics. But what do we really know about this elf? Why does he only appear around Christmas? What's the deal with his shelf fetish? It all began long ago....

Once upon a time...

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In a magical land called "Las Vegas" there once lived an average guy who worked his way to the top with an adorable elf act. Though no one knows quite what gave him the idea, the Capitalist loving magic of Christmas soon shone upon him, making him one of the hottest acts on the strip.

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You see the ladies loved Elf and Elf loved the ladies. With each passing Christmas Elf's popularity only grew.

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However, each "off season" Elf enjoyed a thriving business he'd put together with a few friends. Not only did it keep him busy until the next holiday season rolled around, it kept the Benjamins coming in all year long.

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For awhile, Elf thought life couldn't get any better. Not only did he keep himself surrounded by the baddest bitches on the strip...

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He also had a group of best bros he loved enlisting in his constant antics, some of which where so epic they even made their way into popular culture.

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Eventually, some of Elf's friends began to worry that maybe he was having a little too much fun.

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Elf responded by sleeping with their moms.

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It wasn't long before Elf began to experiment with harder shit.

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Even though he always claimed he could quit any time he wanted...

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Deep down he knew the truth.

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Elf's behavior began to get more and more erratic.

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Soon he started experiencing black outs, during which he'd do horrible things he didn't remember....

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He began waking up many mornings next to strangers he didn't recognize...

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It wasn't long before compromising photos began to surface.

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When Christmas rolled around, the various venues he was used to working began to worry that some of the new aspects he insisted on working into his show weren't quite family appropriate.

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In fact, his exploits eventually earned him national attention.

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However in the end, it was an unfortunate incident that occurred outside one of the theaters hosting his show that was ultimately Elf's undoing.

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Banned from preforming within 50 feet of children everywhere, Elf found himself jobless and living on the streets.

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Even this however, was not enough to drive Elf to get help. Instead, he insisted on reaching out to friends for help maintaining his destructive lifestyle.

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When this proved insufficient for funding his habits however, Elf began trying out other career paths.

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It turned out he was a little better at some than others.

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It wasn't long however, before some of his... "bolder" business ventures began to attract attention from the authorities.

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In the end however, it was a mere routine traffic violation that led the cops to Elf.

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Quickly recognized due to the fact that he was the only elf on the FBI's most waned list at the time, Elf was immediately taken into custody.

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As it turned out, prison was the final straw for Elf, who took the opportunity to finally turn his life around. It was there that he first joined AA and met his sponsor, a notable public figure who tearfully explained in group the real reason people started calling him "Buzz."

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After satisfying the necessary requirements for parole, Elf decided to channel his reformed energy into spreading holiday cheer.

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After recently receiving his 5 year sobriety chip, Elf credited his success to his sponsor, his weekly meeting attendance, and his daily retreats to a shelf of some sort to reflect. He has also issued public apologies to everyone still in therapy over his past flashing exploits as well as to Snow White... though he has yet to repay the ransom he collected for her kidnapping.