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29 Horrible Things That Happen When You Put Your Retainer In For The First Time In Forever

"Wear it all the time, except when you're eating." But I'm always eating.

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1. Once upon a time, your loving parents coughed up a lot of cash to get you this fancy hardware.

2. Then, after many years, the blessed day came when your train tracks were derailed.

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You probably celebrated with a lot of gum chewing and licking your teeth.

3. You looked damn good.

All hail the Duchess (or Duke) of Dentistry.

4. As a farewell present from your orthodontist, you got this SOB.

5. You wore it pretty religiously for a while; mainly out of fear.

Your orthodontist probably convinced you that if you didn't wear it you would burn in hell.
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Your orthodontist probably convinced you that if you didn't wear it you would burn in hell.

6. But then life got in the way.

Just like a Nicholas Sparks novel.
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Just like a Nicholas Sparks novel.

7. You started living on the edge...Only wearing it at night.

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Then only *some* nights... then only some *weeks*... then never.

8. But as you and your retainer started to drift apart, so did your teeth.

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Maybe a wisdom tooth (or two...or four) is to blame.

9. So then the search begins for that overpriced piece of plastic from your past.

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10. When you finally find it, it's gross AF.

Google: "will a retainer melt in the dishwasher?"^Asking for a friend.
NBC Universal

Google: "will a retainer melt in the dishwasher?"

^Asking for a friend.

11. Now that your retainer is (kind of) sanitary, it’s time to suit up.

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Your teeth couldn't have moved that much, right?

12. WRONG.

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13. HOW did your teeth ever fit in here? Have you grown an extra tooth since? A fang perhaps?

Touché, toothé.
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Touché, toothé.

14. After a few shoves and nearly snapping it in half, it’s in.

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(Do not read that sentence out of context, please.)

15. Suddenly you become aware of every tiny fiber that exists in your mouth.

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No pain, no gain. Right?

16. Ok, ok. Just wear it overnight.

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You got this.

17. Then you wake up at 3am in *excruciating* pain.

The agony of dental realignment feels a lot like the sting of regret.
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The agony of dental realignment feels a lot like the sting of regret.

18. This thing needs to go.

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LOLOLOL. And you thought putting it *on* was the hard part…

19. You tug a little and realize you have to make a choice …

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20. ...Rip this thing out or live in this plastic prison forever.

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It's go time. Gotta rip off this band-aid

21. #$%&**%*^*&%^&$%!!!!!!!!!!

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*CHECKS TO MAKE SURE TEETH ARE STILL IN FACE*

22. You plead with the tooth fairy for reconciliation.

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PLEASE HAVE MERCY. WHERE IS THE ASPIRIN?

23. And decide to just live with a crocked smile because we can't all be Kelly Rippa.

Your teeth have ~character~.
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Your teeth have ~character~.

24. And there are other options out there.

25. Whatever. You look fly either way.

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