When Is This Going To End?

Yesterday I experienced one of the most awful moments of my life, when a woman who was harassing me looked at me and said, "She is going to be raped."

This woman has brought back the feelings of shame that I once had attached to my body

Yesterday my body was degraded in a way that I have never experienced, and it made me feel worse than I have ever felt in my life. I have always felt some sort of shame because of the size of my boobs, plumpness of my butt, and the general curvy shape of my figure. Men have always stared and women have always glared. However in recent times I have grown to feel no shame when it comes to my body and with more curvy and full women now filling the mainstream media (I'm looking at you Kardashians), I thought that my body type would now be accepted, and if not accepted, it would at least not be over sexualized. I learned yesterday that that is not the case, and it may never be.

Yesterday I wore a light colored denim skirt that hit about mid-thigh, paired with a black V-neck tank that featured a crisscross pattern across the chest, and the whole outfit was tied together with a pair of black booties. I felt confident in my outfit, not overly sexy, but definitely looked at myself and thought, "Damn girl you look hot." Now before I continue on with my story let me talk to you about how I choose my outfits every day. I do not dress for anyone other than myself. I have a ton of respect for my body and try to treat it as a temple as often as possible, and part of treating it well is wearing things that I feel comfortable in. Over the last few years I have realized that when a man looks down my shirt or when a woman whispers about how tight my jeans are, it has nothing to do with the respect that I have for myself. So let's say it loud for the people in the back, I respect my body- when you look at me and oversexualize me for my breast size or curves... THAT IS YOU DISRESPECTING ME. The problem is not what I am wearing, the problem is how you are looking at me.

I probably walked past 300 people yesterday and not once did I feel uncomfortable or ashamed of myself, that is until I walked by a woman and her friend. I was walking down the street side by side with one of my best friends when this woman began to loudly harass me. Even now as I get ready to type the words that she said my hands begin to shake and my eyes grow misty. This woman points me out to her friend and begins yelling, "Yeah he would see a girl like her and just fucking stare at her. He would think that she is so hot." My hands instantly ball up into a fist at this point, I'm not angry but my body seems to think that I need to go into fight mode. The woman continues, "Just look at her, she looks like a fucking hooker." I can't breathe, I don't think I have ever seriously been called this before in my life. My friend grabs me and whispers for me to calm down, I realize now that I am shaking, I am angry. The woman doesn't stop there, as I pass her she says, "Just look at her, she is going to get raped." Since I heard her say those words I cannot stop replaying them in my brain, "She is going to get raped. She is going to get raped. She is going to get raped." It's an echo in my head that I can't seem to shake.

I came home and took a shower, looking down at my naked body and hearing the words of this woman, a woman that I don't even know the name of. I now sit in my own bed typing because I am unable to sleep because of the echo. This woman has made me feel unsafe in my own skin. I'm wrapped in sweatpants and a sweatshirt while draped in a blanket, and I still feel exposed. This woman has brought back the feelings of shame that I once had attached to my body. I feel sick, I feel sad, I feel angry.

I sit here and think about rape culture; how we blame the victim, how from a young age we teach boys that they have no control, how we teach our daughters how to protect themselves instead of having a serious conversation with our sons, and I am disgusted. Whether I am naked, clothed, drunk, sober, drugged, alone, in a group, a virgin, a lover of sex… I am never asking for it. No woman is ever asking for it. My outfit yesterday did not deem that I should be a victim of rape, and in all honesty anyone suggesting otherwise is a rapist in my eyes. If you can "understand" where this woman was coming from, congratu-fucking-lations you are promoting rape culture and are part of the problem.

To anyone who is a victim of rape or any form of sexual assault, my heart breaks for you. My heart has always broken for you. I wish I could piece together the right words for you, but I am at a loss. I try to empathize with your situation but I become so angry at the idea that such a thing could happen to someone that my mind just goes blank.

If anyone read this and thought, "Wow this is eye opening. I always blame the victim by asking questions like, 'what was she wearing?' or 'how much had she had to drink?'" Please for the love of God if you have children or are planning on becoming a parent, please raise your children to fight against rape culture.