10 Things NOT To Say To Adoptees

Seriously, stop it.

1. Do you know your REAL parents?

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My "real" parents are the ones raising me. The term you are looking for is: biological parent, bio parents or birth mother/father.

2. Why did your mom give you up?

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Again - it’s birth mom, and she did not “give me up.” She placed me for adoption because she thought that was the best option for everyone involved.

3. I'm so sorry!

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I'm not??? I'm perfectly indifferent about being adopted. Glad to know you think it's a tragedy though.

4. So you must be really against abortion, right?

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No. I am as prochoice as they come. My birth mother chose to carry me. She was not obligated to do so. I wouldn't have wanted her to be forced to carry me any more than I would have wanted her to be forced to conceive me.

5. God sure blessed your parents!

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Uhhh, kind of? I mean, if you ignore the whole infertility and several dangerous miscarriages thing . . .

6. Where are you from?

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Trans-national and trans-racial adoptees hate this one because you are essentially asking why we don't "match" the rest of our family.

Then there is the fact that we probably don't even remember the country we were born in.

7. What was the orphanage like?

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If you’re talking to a domestic adoptee, this just tells us you have absolutely no idea how adoption works. No, I was not dropped off at an orphanage. In America (and Canada), very few children ever stay in an orphanage, but if we did, do you really think we want to talk to you about it?

8. WOW! You look like their REAL kid!

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I am their "real" kid, and I don't need you to reassure me that I "match."

9. How much did you cost?

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Excuse me? I was not sold. The phrase you are looking for is: “How much did the adoption process cost?” Adoptions are expensive, but you’re not paying for the child. You pay for lawyer fees, home studies, agency fees, etc., NOT the child.

10. I don’t think I would feel like an adopted child was really “mine.”

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If you feel this way, please, just keep it to yourself.

I respect your right to make a family in whatever way works for your, but this is not a discussion that I want to have. I feel strongly that family is made of the people that raise you and are there for you.

If you try to tell me how “blood ties” are stronger, I will feel extremely awkward and probably a bit upset. Just please don’t.