All The News You Can't Trust

February 13th in news. Real, serious, completely truthful news.

Governor of Oregon Beginning to Regret Valentine’s Day Gift to Fiancee

media.oregonlive.com

After being forced to resign, Gov Kitzhaber expressed regret that he hired his fiancee as a consultant on clean energy, rather than just “going to Jarreds”

Putin Tries to Clear Air by Explaining Ongoing Incursion into Ukraine Just Misunderstanding over Game of Hide-and-Seek

cdn.frontpagemag.com

“Look, when I told my military generals to go hide, we simply forgot to establish an ‘out of bounds’. It was only natural that they’d run off to the last country I’d ever look for them in!”

North Carolina Police “Pretty Sure” that Man Would Have Killed People of Any Religion Over Parking Dispute

enochmagazine.com

“Look, this is a man who took parking seriously. And based on the climate of this country, I think we can all agree that any religious or racial prejudices are far in the past.”

Alabama Judges Taking Firm Stance to Remain on Wrong Side of History

lifenews.com

“Sure, we had a remarkable opportunity to re-write our prejudiced history. But, hey, based on our track record, we’re only 40, maybe 50 years away from blowing a chance like this again!"

NYC Sets Record of 11 Days Without a Murder

images.fineartamerica.com

“It’s just too fucking cold,” explained frustrated murderers.

Ginsberg Admits State of the Union Lapse Due to “Wine”

thepunditpress.com

Also admits to writing many recent opinions while high on meth.

Exposure to Measles Threatens SF Commuters

upload.wikimedia.org

Ebola reportedly “jealous” of attention Measles’ receiving.