83 Thoughts Everyone Has When Watching “The Bachelorette”

“Of course there’s a helicopter.”

1. Yes, it’s Monday!
2. Dang, shit’s going down tonight.
3. Except I bet whatever they’re showing in the preview right now will turn out to be something completely different.
4. I’m tweeting that.
5. Why is this show two hours?
6. Why am I watching it?
7. ‘Cause it’s a hot mess, that’s why.
8. I want to be on this show so I can travel for free.
9. Except when they go to places like CONNECTICUT.
10. “I want to travel the world. Let’s start in CT.”
11. Bring me to Ireland or something.

12. What’s this guy’s name again?
13. Sorry, did his occupation seriously say “pantsapreneur”?
14. What the fuck does that even mean?
15. How do you pay bills?
16. I can’t believe I’m watching this show.
17. LOL yes I can.
18. I’m here for Chris Harrison, tbh.
19. Call me Chris, I will date you.
20. You should just be the next Bachelor.

21. Can this guy stop his bitching about not getting the one-on-one date card?
22. You’ll get a date, dude.
23. I like her hair.
24. I wonder how long it takes for her to get ready.
25. I wish I got pampered before every date.
26. HAHA what date.
27. Is that a helicopter?
28. Of course it’s a helicopter.
29. Guarantee there will be a private concert later on.
30. With an artist literally no one has heard of.
31. Oh no, is he about to drop the “L” bomb?
32. It’s been three weeks.
33. THREE. WEEKS.
34. Oh my god, he’s kind of really cute and sweet.
35. GIVE HIM THE ROSE.
36. You have been saved, dear suitor.
37. What if someone just didn’t accept the rose?
38. Drama.
39. Oh look, a private concert, just as I predicted.

40. If someone says “here for the right reasons” one more time I’m going to throw my TV.
41. Same goes for “I think I could find my husband/wife by the end of this.”
42. I love when the men on the group date have to endure some physical challenge to prove their affection for the bachelorette.
43. I’m tweeting that too.
44. At least they look damn good when shirtless.
45. If only they talked as well as they look.
46. Where the hell do they find these guys?
47. Ahhhhh yes, dramatic music means shit is going down.
48. Or not.
49. Ugh, that was underwhelming.

50. If this guy makes it through, I’m quitting this show.
51. Yeah right.
52. This has to be scripted.
53. Like, no one would say this stuff out loud in any normal setting.
54. NEXT.
55. Omg, remember that MTV show?
56. I’ll admit, this guy is pretty smooth.
57. I’d date you for sure.
58. He’s definitely getting the group date rose tonight.
59. And this tool should just go home now.
60. Oh, that guy got the rose?
61. Ugh, at least he’s better than Juan Pablo.

62. Another one-on-one, another man spewing bullshit.
63. Or maybe he’s actually a decent guy.
64. I guess we’ll find out.
65. OK, he’s a little of both.
66. But let’s be honest, he’ll get a rose.
67. And maybe there will be another private concert.

68. I wonder if people get wasted during this cocktail hour.
69. I would, tbh.
70. All these guys are such vultures with their one-on-one time.
71. This is the weirdest dating environment.
72. Like, this can’t be healthy for anyone.
73. Ahhh yessss, hello Chris Harrison.
74. I love the rose ceremony.
75. I bet [insert name] gets the first rose.
76. * high-fives self *
77. NO. HE DID NOT JUST GET A ROSE.
78. I’m done with this shit.
79. You are never going to find love with this idiot.
80. I still don’t know why I watch this show.
81. I’m tweeting that.
82. Ugh, these previews look so good, I can’t wait to see next week’s hot mess.
83. Fuck.

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