Five People With Vaginas Get Real About Their Orgasms
"I reiterate: One Orgasm does not equal One Finish Line." (Excerpts from Moan: Anonymous Essays on Female Orgasm)
Frustrated by her own less-than-satisfying sexual experiences, writer Emma Koenig decided to create a space where women could describe what it takes to make them come. That space became the collection Moan: Anonymous Essays on Female Orgasm. Below are a few excerpts from those essays.
1. Can I explode the myth that you need to “make me” come? Yeah, nope. Sorry, I don’t get down with that phrase. For me, “coming” is not anything that sounds like another person controlling my body or taking the reins and deciding When and How. It’s a co-creative process! I’d like to release some of that pressure, for both our sakes.
I can “make” myself come anytime I want. But being with a partner is not just about getting to the “coming.” The orgasm moment is not the Goal. Got that? I reiterate: One Orgasm does not equal One Finish Line. Did your brain explode a little?
Climaxes (multiple!), physical release, and bliss will indeed happen, if we allow ourselves to go there together. And personally, I need to feel comfortable to play with my partner and luxuriate in the eternal moments that swirl around those climaxes.
2. My pillow has been the only thing that has consistently made me come. Characteristics that my pillow possesses that keep me coming back for more: it’s safe, reliable, and firm. A few things I’ve learned from Hank . . .I mean, my pillow. One, I need to know that I’m safe and that my sexual experience or lack thereof isn’t going to lead to some immediate judgment of the intimacy that we can have in a present moment. Two, I need to know that you can be reliable, ya know? That once I go down on you or let you rub your clit on my butt until you come, you won’t roll over and put your underwear back on. I am trusting you to care about my needs and work with me to get them met. And three, I need you to be a firm lover. Merriam-Webster defines firm as “set, placed, or attached in a way that is not easily moved; not weak or uncertain.” Dear lover, take note! Be firm with your love, with your emotions, and most of all with your physical embrace. I want to trust that you have me and that you see me and that you feel me and not just your boner or the last time you had sex or that thing you are doing later. Make an effort to stay present with me throughout our sexual intimacy and I promise that I will try to do the same.
3. My main request, no matter what you’ve got between your legs, is: LET’S TAKE IT SLOW. Tempo is everything. If you wanna make it great, you’ll wait. I’m into the idea of building up our sexual energy slowly, walking that divine tantric line. Love me like Sting loves Trudie. Kiss me for ten minutes before you decide to brush your hand over my nipple. Let your tongue in my mouth remind me of what you’re going to do to my pussy. Watch my body language, ’cause I’ll start to beg for your touch. If you aren’t sure that I’m begging, let’s talk about it. There’s nothing hotter than telling you what I want, and you listening. I’m the type that needs some intellectual stimulation — best-case scenario, you’re whispering in my ear what you want to do to me. If that’s uncomfortable for you, literally just telling me you want me or asking me what feels good is a fantastic start. I’ll let you know what I want.
4. Feel free to ask to watch me touch myself. If you haven’t already, LEARN TO FIND THIS HOT. You will learn so much about how my particular body works by watching me work with it. This is also HELLA intimate, thus very erotic. AND, let’s just be honest—you’ll be letting me do some of the work for you. It’s not cheating, and it’s not diminishing your skills as a lover. It’s just me and you investing in the art of orgasm. BUT I’ll feel reeeeeally self-conscious if you don’t get into it with me (by kissing my earlobes and boobs and whispering sweet nothings in my ear). Anyway, enough said on that. You get it. It’s such an easy and useful thing to incorporate into your fucking practice.
5. Sometimes when I come really intensely, I start crying. It can be an involuntary response, like tearing up when it’s cold outside, or it can be an impassioned therapeutic experience, like I am letting a subterranean emotion out. I think sometimes we try so hard for sex to be casual or animal or merely physical that we forget there can be an emotional underbelly to it all. Please don’t be freaked out if I cry. Maybe it’s because I am surging with love for you or maybe I’ve just been stressed out lately or maybe it’s nothing . . . but whatever the reason, know that you have helped me to deeply let go and relax and I am grateful for that.
Excerpted from MOAN: Anonymous Essays on Female Orgasm. Compilation Copyright © 2018 by Emma Koenig. Reprinted with permission of Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.
Find out more about MOAN here.