1. Chicken crossing the road... again?
Once the chicken crossed the road, which for some reason he had no clue as to why he did, he looked over the grass and saw the same thing on the other side.
"There isn't much here," he said as he turned back around at the road and saw the other side of the road.
"I wonder what could be on that side," the chicken pondered.
So the chicken crossed again, this time nearly being crushed by an eighteen wheeler truck. Don't worry, he survived, but his memory remains short term.
2. The life of a tomato isn't so ripe.
"Are you kidding me?" The early tomato asked the late tomato with embarrassment.
"What?... It's funny, we're part Ketchup," the late tomato replied lightly.
"That was the worst joke I've heard in my entire life. I feel offended by how terrible that was... wow," the early tomato preached angrily.
"Sorry dude, was just trying to make it light," the late tomato said.
"We'll it wasn't. I'm gonna get out of here and grab a smoke, you coming lettuce?" the early tomato snarled as he took out a cigarette from his pot red belly.
The early tomato hugged the lettuce as they approached. The two veggies left the late tomato.
"You're going to rot your core with that tobacco," the late tomato called out.
"Nah... least I have a few more days to be ripe. You have about an hour til your ketchup," the early tomato stated as he laughed maniacally.
"Used my punchline you son of a ..." the late tomato said right before being squashed by unknown hands.
3. Everyone is sick of the fungi.
The leaves and grass roots all singled out the mushroom clan for their pretentious personality and their annoyance of hording space in the ecosystem.
"Mushrooms are ruining us, we're getting sick from their overgrowth and all they do is joke about it!" the leaves and grass scream in a flat plain of tundra.
Within the next few years, the grass and leaves came together to form vines to suffocate the mushroom couple.
Mr. Mushroom says, "hey hold up, I'm here to be a fungi (fun guy)."
"No, honey, that joke is getting old, we're merely shrooms now," Ms. Mushroom added.
The mushrooms soon became overcome by the forests' vines.
4. T-Rex's don't have it easy = small arms problems.
1. If T-Rex's weren't extinct there would be more things to worry about then them not able to make beds. They'll bit off your torso and swallow the rest of you before they get anywhere near a bed.
2. The two T-Rex's at the dinner table begin feeling ashamed of their disproportionate arms until they see a clan of Utahraptors outside their abode.
"Let's eat some delicious raptor tonight, forget the salt," the one T-Rex tells the other.
"Agreed," the other T-Rex says.
3. The rejected T-Rex decides to show his affection by biting at her skin.
"What are you doing, trying to eat me?" the female T-Rex roared.
"No, giving you a hickey, babe," the male T-Rex roared back.
5. "I don't get it...?" Moron Jokes
1. The moron wound up falling off the ladder and landed face flat on the wooden floor. He thought he/she was diving in a pool. When the ambulance arrived, he thought it was the pizza delivery man.
2. The same moron who brought a fishing rod to the polling place was immediately taken away by security guards. They thought he was trying to steal votes.
3. Another moron who attempted to drown a fish as a way to catch it wound up giving it more than enough oxygen. It just swam frantically away. Later, the same moron who alphabetized the M&M candies laid them out on a table. The moron kept changing up the order. Was he arranging the pattern by color? The moron continued to place the candies in order until he was old and gray and couldn't move his hands anymore.
6. Buffalo father and son bonding.
The buffalo son turns to his father and replies, "I certainly will miss your terrible jokes, and that's it!"
"I'm sure you'll miss me once you get to college. Maybe you'll meet a nice female bison?" the father buffalo suggests.
"Oh god, you're so embarrassing dad!" the buffalo son says as he boards the bus with the other buffalo.
"Love you too son," the father buffalo replies with a smile.
7. Why Pokemon can be dangerous pets.
The Pokemon trainer died of electrocution. Pikachu was charged with first-degree murder and put on trial. During his trial, Pikachu was pleaded for "insanity" after all he could say in his defense was, "Pika-chu."
8. "Mr. and Ms. Teacher, I have a joke."
1. The teacher replied, "Way to be a smart aleck."
The teacher sent the student to detention anyway.
2. The invisible man tried desperately to get extra credit from the teacher. The teacher thought he was going crazy when he heard random noises in his room. Later, they sent a paranormal investigator to the classroom to see if there was a ghost haunting the room. The invisible man told them he was invisible and that he needed extra credit to pass the math curriculum. The teacher provided the invisible man with several exams. The invisible man aced everyone as the paper floated back to the teacher's desk. The teacher changed the invisible man's grade status to a passing A.
3. The student walked back with his test paper to his seat feeling discouraged and defeated.
Later at the teacher's lounge. The teacher told all of her peer teachers what she told her student. They all laughed like hyenas.
"Teacher one, student zero," she said.
4. The teacher told the lazy student to read off of another student. The student got stuck with his bully Ernie who looked at him while chewing gum and slashing his neck with his index finger in the air to signify, "you're doomed after class." The student raised his hand and asked if he could change with another student.
"You don't get to decide, you should have thought that before you left your textbook at home."
The student was right indeed. The textbook was having a huge party in his room with all his other books. His textbook was especially having fun with the Harry Potter series paperbacks and was hitting on Fifty Shades of Grey.
"This beats getting read from the most boring 45 minutes of the day," the textbook shouted over a see of books as it started to rip apart some nearby loose leaf paper.
5. The teacher tried to make his student feel better.
"It's okay, I was bad at math too. Back in the day I didn't know that two times two was fifteen, I thought it was four."
9. Light bulbs should be handled with care.
1. A school of hipsters stand around the light bulb and whisper to one another as they snap their fingers together. Nothing gets changed in the end.
2. The playwright continues to go back into his work. He's spent hours writing his next play. Every editing issue in his mind has innovative art value.
3. The psychologist sits there waiting for the light bulb to switch back on...
"Tell me about your childhood?" the psychologist asks the bulb.
4. The football team gets so pumped that they wind up throwing the light bulb like a football. Hundreds of new light bulbs break in the process.
5. The blonde has no idea what just happened, she was looking at her selfie images the entire time. The brunette gives the blonde a dirty look as she walks away from the fixed light bulb.
"Typical," the brunette says under her breathe.
10. Animals act silly sometimes.
1. The dog never caught his tail. Instead, he got a job working as a bank teller.
2. The bear looked up and searched through the forest while shouting, "I swear to god, whoever said that will be eaten. No one says something that stupid and at gets away with it." The bear felt up his fur and was immediately met with warmth. That someone was never heard from again.
3. After the student said, "fsh" everyone in his class thought that for the next thirty years, handicapped fish or fish wearing eye patches were called, "fsh."
4. The airport secretary sent the sheep to the wrong place when he belched, "baaaahamas". She just thought he was trying to say "Bahamas". The sheep wound up sipping martinis by the beach with himself. Meanwhile, all of his sheep pals were partying miles away on a nearby island called, "Baaaahamas."
5. The cat was heard from the news around the world. Reporters wanted to know how she achieved this miracle.
When the cat was asked this she replied while purring, "I'm just really good with a needle and thread, both inside and outside my body."
11. Yo mama is so fat...
Families of their fat mother's decided to take them to the doctor, their diabetes was becoming a serious concern.
12. Relationships can be a pain.
1. Within a week the woman goes to a nice restaurant and has a date with a Scottish Terrier. He fills all her desires as a loyal, faithful, patient, attentive, forgiving, unselfish, even-tempered and good listening male dog.
2. The boyfriend bolts out of the room and leaves the country as soon as possible.
3. The skeleton continues to wait for the girl until he turns into ash.
4. The female replies, "this isn't a job interview. If you're worried about your Photoshop skills, you should've gone on a date with a web designer."
"Let's relax, I'll design your web any day," the male suitor flirted.
The woman sighed and said, "this isn't going to work out, you look like if Steve Jobs and Stephen Hawking had a baby."
5. The girlfriend started crying. Regardless, the boyfriend made a deal with NASA to send his girlfriend to the moon. The girlfriend was placed on the moon and became a renowned astronaut. Least she didn't have to be near her boyfriend anymore.
13. Religion holds the Testament of time.
1. The Imam, priest, and rabbi all replied to the bartender, "No, it isn't a joke, we're all actually alcoholics."
2. Uranus, Neptune, and Jupiter heard that statement and immediately screamed, "WTF, we have rings too idiot!"
"Earth always thinks they're in the center of the galaxy just because they think they're the only the planet with living creatures on it. If they looked at me closer, they would notice rings around me," Jupiter explained.
"Yeah... and what's so funny about the word, "Uranus"?" Uranus quoted.
"Also, whenever I google myself, why does a picture of a half nude man with a long stick and a bunch of dolphins behind him always show up?" Neptune explained.
Jupiter and Uranus shrugged their atmospheres in confusion.
3. The young guy received an update saying to add the God App to his smartphone. When he clicked to install, it stated, "Billions of light years of space time to download or several more hundred visits to the confession booth mister."
The man shrugged in frustration.
4. Tom Cruise saw that comment and began googling that person, there was nothing.
"Enough said!" Cruise preached during his cult sermon.
5. People started praying for someone to end his anti-religious posts. God slapped the man across the face.
14. Someone is knocking on the door again.
1. "No duh," the recipient said.
The joker replies, "yeah it supposed to be funny."
"Knock, knock jokes suck," the recipient replied.
2. The husband responds, "I'll only get you some juice after you make me a sandwich."
"Ugh, I fell right into it, didn't I?" The wife replied feeling defeated.
"Yes, you did," the husband said while grinning as he motioned her to step into the kitchen.
3. "That was an awful joke and I never want to hear any other stupid joke from you," the recipient said.
The little boy giggled.
"Mikey liked it at least," the joker stated.
"Just promise never to make another Knock, knock joke like that again," the recipient explained.
"Not gonna happen," the joker added.
4. "Take my money, but don't harm Mr. Pickles here," the recipient shouted in fear.
"It's just a joke Dexter, but who is Mr. Pickles?" the joker said.
"He's my imaginary friend," Dexter replied.
"Right..." the joker stated as he backed away and left the room.
5. "Batman, you have the same punchline every time!" Superman said.
"Yeah, so what, it's a formula that you keep falling for," Batman replied.
"Would you say, it's your Kryptonite?" Batman asked.
"Oh god," Superman said dumb founded.
"I have a joke," Superman started saying.
"Hold up, I have a new joke, I promise I won't say the same thing," Batman interfered.
"Okay, this better be something else or I will shoot holes through your head," Superman stated.
Batman explained the joke, "So Lex Luthor and the Joker are trying to take over the world. The Justice League gets involved after they kill Batman. The Earth is turmoil, even Superman can't defeat them. Lex Luthor and the Joker threaten to blow up the planet using a highly calculated algorithmic code. Only they know about it. When they activate it, the bomb shuts down. Then out of the missile comes Batman who punches them. Want to know how he did that?"
"Let me guess, because he's Batman?" Superman answered.
"Because, I'M BATMAN!" Batman yelled with his scratchy voice.
Superman then shot holes through Batman's head. They immediately healed because he's Batman.