1. You never read this at bed time.
You read about him.
2. So you own and bring all of these around with you.
Stray cuticles are despicable.
Because you know this would never really be an option.
3. You aren't afraid of any mystery meats.
Yea, gimme that bologna.
4. You love Leberkäse.
5. You eat this purple stuff.
6. You love any kind of cream sauce.
Your friends might say it looks creepy. Tell them they're creepy.
7. Your parents seemed to find the only German butcher in your area.
8. You own a lint roller and an iron because your parents wouldn't let you move into your new apartment without either.
Because what are you, a barbarian?