1. All of my friends are out on dates tonight. Great.
2. Where is my wine?
3. Oh, I love you wine.
4. I'm literally going to sit on this couch all night and watch TV. Alone.
5. How is it possible that ALL of my friends are on dates?
6. Like, what the fuck?
7. How do you even meet other humans? In person? At BARS?
8. Or on TINDER. Tinder.
9. EVERYONE talks about it.
10. I think everyone I know has one.
12. Should I get it?
13. It can't be that bad, right?
14. It could be fun. Or could at least kind of entertaining.
15. I mean, I'm bored anyway.
16. And if it's stupid, I can just delete it.
17. Just get the damn app.
18. But be ready for creeps and assholes.
19. Um... why do they need my Facebook login?!
20. Is everyone gonna see that I joined? Like, fuck that.
21. Oh. That's how I add pictures.
22. And...see mutual friends?
23. Weird. But. Whatever.
24. K, I have to pick my cutest profile pics.
25. Let's be real, though. I am adorable in all of these.
26. Ew, and I have to fill out a bio?! This is ridiculous.
27. WHATEVER. I have nothing else to do tonight.
28. My profile is perfect. I'm irresistible.
29. Now I get to choose the age of people I'm looking for. Sweet.
30. Also, creepy AF.
31. This is what we've come to. What a time to be alive.
32. And I hit these little buttons if I like them or not? Cute.
33. But didn't someone say something about "swiping?"
34. What if I swipe the wrong way?
35. *Swipes right* -- OH, shit!
36. Oh, it tells you what each swipe direction means.
37. Ow. This swiping thing kind of hurts my thumb.
38. It's a metaphor.
39. *Swipes left* Swipes right*
40. MATCH? Sweet.
41. My thumb hurts.
42. I have a notification?!
43. Oh, it's telling me I have a match. Calm your shit, Tinder.
44. Am I supposed to message you? Or are you gonna message me?
45. Oh. Your profile says, "I don't message first." BYE.
46. What's the point if I'm sitting here on my ass?
47. Do I, like, keep going?
48. *Swipes left* *Swipes left*
49. What is that? LEFT.
50. I hate this already. I'll just die alone.
51. Like, this is stupid.
52. And my THUMB hurts.
53. Oh. You're cute. *Swipes left by accident*
55 That seems a little unfair. I need to be more careful, I guess?
56. UGH. OK, actually, I'm pretty pissed. What if that was my soulmate?
57. Deep breath. Move on, girl.
58. You look nice. Right swipe for you!
59. MATCH! COOL.
60. *Waits 45 seconds for a message*
61. I guess I'll message you first?
62. What are you afraid of, dude?
63. OH! You messaged me first. Cool.
64. "Hey, your gorgeous. Nudes?"
65. Um... no.
66. Scumbag. Learn grammar.
67. I hate this app.
68. ...I'll keep going, for, like, a few minutes.
69. *Swipes right* Match again.
70. I'm not messaging you.
71. I'll just "keep playing."
72. But like, my THUMB hurts.
73. They need voice activation.
74. Do they think this is a GAME?
75. *Swipes left* *Swipes right*
76. Cool, I have a match. Thrilled.
77. A message right away... impressive.
79. OK, that's fine. Good start.
80. I'll message back. "Hi, how are you?"
81. ...Silence. SIGH.
82. I'll keep going.
83. I GUESS.
84. But I hate this.
85. OMG. I can't even see your face!
87. I see your point. But no. *Swipes left*
88. OH. OH MY GOD, you're cute.
89. And you like the same music I do.
90. AND the same movies?!
91. AND YOU HAVE A DOG.
92. *Violently swipes right*
95. I hate this app.
96. I. HATE. IT.
97. …But I'll check back later.