A Guide To Discovering Boston, Written By A Masshole Transplant

What happens when one of your co-workers down in Nashville, TN mentions they are visiting Boston, MA for the first time ever? They receive an email with this list.

Welcome to America's beloved city of Boston: where you will find history, clam chowder, die-hard sports fans, and massholes galore. Below is a comprehensive list of things to do in this charming city you so fortunately find yourself visiting.

1. Faneuil Hall and Quincy Market

Boston Globe / Via bostonglobe.com

Although this location is especially beautiful when decked with holiday lights and showcasing its Christmas tree, winter is most certainly not the only season to visit this Boston gem. Faneuil Hall, a historic meeting place, is surrounded by shops, street performers, and the bustle of visitors. Walk into Quincy Market, a lengthy building just behind Fanueil Hall. You will find yourself in a long, crowded hall with diverse food vendors on either side and no end in sight. Stroll around looking for the perfect meal and make sure to try the free Asian chicken samples at the very end. Then take a seat in the round dining area in the middle of Quincy Market (feel free to venture to the second floor), and enjoy whatever delicacy you decide to feast on!

*Night owl prowl hint: there are LOTS of bars in the Faneuil Hall area. Ned Devine's is located right on top of Fanueil Hall! Bell in Hand, the oldest tavern (est. 1795), is just around the corner.

2. Boston Harbor and the New England Aquarium

Boston calendar / Via thebostoncalendar.com

The Harbor is just a short walk from Faneuil Hall. Stroll to Rowes Wharf and watch sailboats drift by as you indulge in some clam chowder which you purchased back at Fanueil Hall. Immerse yourself in the colorful variety of marine life at the New England Aquarium, where you can venture up a four-story ocean tank showcasing hundreds of Caribbean coral reef animals. Please be respectful and finish your seafood before entering the premises.

3. Boston Duck Tours

Boston Duck Tours / Via bostonducktours.com

The Duck tours are a great way to tour this city. Ride on a quirky mobile which is a stunning contraption that can travel on land AND on water. Receive a thorough explanation and history of the viewing points by the knowledgeable duck tour driver. On the Charles River, you may even be lucky enough to get a whirl at driving the duck yourself! And on the streets of Boston, do not be alarmed if Bostonians quack at you as you cruise by in your fashionable duck-mobile.

4. Boston Common and Boston Public Gardens

Roamin Eskos / Via roamin-eskos.blogspot.com

Boston Duck Tours leave you wanting more duck? Of course it did! Well, you're in luck because you can find mother duck and her ducklings in the Boston Common. But in Boston, we do not discriminate against other bird species. We make sure to include fellow fowl such as swans, too. Board an elegant swan boat and glide across the pond while gazing at the city slickers walk their dogs through a Bostonian version of Central Park. See how many patriotic statues you can spot of historic lads on horseback. And make sure to walk to the State Capitol building, perched atop a slight hill with its gold dome shining in the sunlight.

5. Copley Square

Maps of World / Via images.mapsofworld.com

Juxtaposition at it's finest: an exquisite olden church founded in 1733 situated by a modernistic shiny blue skyscraper, the John Hancock tower. A fountain adorns the side of the square and the Boston Public Library, established in 1848, is right across the street for your reading pleasure.

6. Fenway Park

Smart Destinations / Via smartdestinations.com

Even Yankees fans cannot argue that Fenway Park is an iconic ballpark, the home of the Boston Red Sox since 1912. To put it into perspective, Fenway is the oldest ballpark in all of Major League Baseball, beating out Wrigley Field in Chicago. Walk around Lansdowne and grab a beer before the game. Once inside the stadium, load up on some Fenway Franks (hot dogs) and more beer, then enjoy the game (or tour, if it is not baseball season). Note the green monster and CITGO sign (or "see-it-go," as is the nickname for when ball players want to make a homerun). And remember the 2004 World Series, when the Red Sox won for the first time since the Curse of the Bambino in 1918.

*Nighttime owl prowl hint: Lansdowne is also a popular bar in this area, known to get crowded after Sox games. Albeit, it does tend to get a bit stuffy.

7. Seaport

SelectRe Boston / Via selectreboston.com

The Seaport District is recently starting to gain popularity. With rooftop bars that look overlook the harbor, you cannot beat this view for a night out. Dine on true Bostonian seafood at Legal Harborside and lounge on the roof deck couches. Also nearby is Harpoon, a New England craft brewery.

*Nighttime owl prowl hint: for a city view that will knock your "Sox" off, take a walk to the Envoy Rooftop Lounge, a bar at the very top of a hotel which boasts a stunning view of the seaport district buildings. Enjoy a cocktail as you watch the city lights glimmer above the harbor.

8. North End

Streetwise / Via bostinno.streetwise.co

Everyone who is anyone has heard of Mike's Pastry serving the best cannolis in the country. And who doesn't like Italian food? Stroll around these quaint cobblestone streets and treat yourself among the many enticing options.

9. Freedom Trail

USA Today / Via 10best.com

If you are a newcomer to Boston, you will probably want to do the Freedom Trail, which showcases the historic sites ranging from Granary Burying Ground (meet the ghosts of Sam Adams, John Hancock, and Paul Revere), the Old State House, Paul Revere House, and the USS Constitution ship. Also, this trail stops at the previously mentioned Boston Common, current State House, and Faneuil Hall. What better way to feel patriotic and embrace your true inner American. Put your walking shoes on and grab your step-counting gadgets, folks! We're going on an adventure to the past.

10. Harvard Square

Harvard University / Via static.squarespace.com

That's right, we've made it to the famous quotation which mocks the Bostonian accent: "Pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd". Well, now you actually have the chance to do just that! And say it in a funny accent. Unless you have no car, in that case perhaps your uber driver can "pahk" for just a few seconds while they drop you off. Explore in and around Harvard campus and feel like a prestigous intellectual. Check out the Harvard Museum of Natural History, which includes botany, zoology, and rocks and minerals. Then purchase a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe and ponder the meaning of life.

11. Charles River Esplanade

Boston Magazine / Via bostonmagazine.com

The Charles River is a great place to kayak or simply walk along. Enjoy the tranquility of the river while taking in the scenery of the Boston skyline. If you find yourself in Boston in July, be sure to catch the Fourth of July fireworks from the Charles. Although, be warned that you must come early to claim your spot, and be wary of crowded train stations after the show. If you have a boat, feel free to use that instead. Across the river you will find the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, another distinguished university which Boston prides itself on. And a short walk from the Charles is the historic neighborhood of Beacon Hill. Don't be fooled by it's quaint streets--it is one of the most expensive places to live in Boston.

12. Boston Museum of Science

Boston Museum of Science / Via i.ytimg.com

Coming from the era of Bill Nye the Science Guy, who doesn't agree that "Science rules!" On top of the numerous exhibits in the Museum of Science, there is also a planetarium, the Omni Theater (an IMAX theater showing cool nature documentaries that makes you feel you're a bird soaring over the ocean or a cheetah racing in the Sahara), and the Theater of Electricity (one of the world's largest indoor generators producing powerful bolts of lightning). Are you ready to go to space, feel the electricity, and soar like a bird/cheetah all in the same day? Science really does rule!

13. Museum of Fine Arts, Boston

artnet news / Via news.artnet.com

Want to feel cultured and sophisticated? Just spend a few hours in the Museum of Fine Arts. Although a few hours won't be nearly enough to cover all of it, since it is the fourth largest museum in the United States and showcases over 450,000 works of art.

14. Castle Island

Commonwealth of Massachusetts / Via mass.gov

On Castle Island you will find Fort Independence, which was used during the Seige of Boston in the American Revolution. However, its very close proximity to Boston Logan Airport makes it a lovely place to sprawl on the grass and watch planes arrive and depart from the airport. When you are tired of guessing where the planes are going and coming from, take a dip (if weather permits) in the nearby beach.

Nearby Areas

Boston has so much to offer within its perimeter, but what makes it even more spectacular is what can be found just a few hours drive from its borders.

1. Cape Cod

Cape Cod Intergroup / Via ccigoa.org

Ever look at a map and see that curly-que part of Massachusetts which juts into the ocean like a crooked finger? That's Cape Cod! The place where Bostonians retreat during the summer to enjoy the beaches. At the very tip of Cape Cod (aka the crooked finger) is Provincetown. Here you can see the Pilgrim Monument which marks the spot where the pilgrims first landed on the Mayflower. Apart from that major historical significance, Provincetown is also known for its beaches, arts and culture, kite flying, and LGBTQ community which host many events.

2. Martha's Vineyard

Sand Piper Rental / Via sandpiperrental.com

Just a ferry ride from Cape Cod is the lovely island of Martha's Vineyard. Choose from Edgartown, Oak Bluffs, and Vineyard Haven to stay in. Marvel at the charming colorful gingerbread cottages which adorn Oak Bluffs, go swimming in one of the many beaches (including a nude beach, wink wink), or oggle at the fancy houses which you will never be able to afford. (Hint, President Obama vacations in Martha's Vineyard).

3. Newport, Rhode Island

Rhode Island Red Food Tours / Via rhodeislandredfoodtours.com

If you're not sick of beaches, boats, and want to see even more ridiculously lavish mansions... take a trip to Newport, RI. It also has great beaches and lovely picturesque streets to stroll on by the water. There are festivals showcasing tall ships and you can also tour the Newport mansions.

4. New Hampshire and Vermont

Steve Loynd / Via activerain.com

This is for my hikers, campers, skiiers, and snowboarders. Just a few hours north, New Hampshire and Vermont are great for the outdoor explorer. New Hampshire has the majestic White Mountains, with many different hiking options. Mt. Washington, the highest peak in the Northeast, can be hiked (or driven) to the top. Vermont and New Hampshire are where Bostonians typically travel to ski and snowboard, if they are unlike me and do not fear falling on their bums.

P.S. In case you could not tell from this picture, New England has some of the best fall foliage in the COUNTRY. So visit in the fall. Or just come back every season. If you don't know, now you know.