Commie Tom’s Cocktails For The Masses And Drinking Game

Former bartender and author of The Drunken Spelunker's Guide to Plato Kathy Giuffre has invented an exciting new drinking game! Play this fun game to exercise your brain!

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Americans work longer hours than workers in any other industrialized country. And income inequality just keeps growing. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the middle class gets a one-way ticket on a slow train to Oblivion. We would riot about it, but, quite frankly, we’re too damn tired from working all the time to foment any revolutions.

Daily Mail

But it doesn’t have to be that way! Revolution can be fun, once you get into the spirit of the thing. Comrades are just friends with matching arm bands. Picket lines are al fresco conviviality at its best. A good slogan is the first step to a viral internet meme and a rocking protest song set to the right beat can lead to some serious dancing in the streets. As famed anarchist Emma Goldman said right before they deported her back to Russia, “If I can’t dance, it’s not my revolution.”

Madame Noire

And what better way to rouse the revolutionary spirit than with … well, spirits? The ability of alcohol to inspire feelings of concord and communal love (even to the point of weeping) is legendary. With that in mind, here are three cocktails for the Masses:

The Drinks Business

Workers of the World, Unite – with Vodka

Vodka is the milk of Mother Russia. Made from potatoes, the most lumpen of all vegetables, it sets the tone for the drink of the proletariat. And now it comes in every flavor imaginable, just like post-Marxist philosophies! Mix equal parts club soda, coconut-flavored vodka, and orange-banana juice (to honor the banana republics that wrestled free from global capitalism.) Add a splash of lime juice to symbolize the tartness of Thomas Picketty and enjoy!

Bustle

Cheap Red Wine is the Opiate of the Masses

Look, just because you’re part of the benighted proletariat doesn’t mean you have to drink rot-gut wine. Well, yes – actually it does. But it doesn’t mean it has to taste bad. Take a bottle/box of whatever swill The Man has on sale this week and mix it half and half with extra-hot ginger ale (to symbolize the piquancy of Marx’s observations in The German Ideology). Pour over crushed ice and add a generous amount of sliced red cherries, raspberries, cubed watermelon, red grapefruit sections, blood orange slices, and any other fruit in the valiant color of the revolution!

Inside Tailgating

We Have Nothing to Lose But Our Chains

Get together with your closest band of comrades and allies. Pour a shot of fine Cuban rum for everyone present. Talk about the world you imagine free from oppression, injustice, misery, and indifference. Knock back the rum and dream of a better future.

And now a drinking game to celebrate the workers of the world:

Tufts

Talking About a Revolution

Supplies: drinks and people

Rules: Sit in a circle with drinks in front of you. Everyone needs to know the Six Glorious

Revolutionary Words/Phrases. They are:

Anarchy

Bourgeois

Capitalist pig

Donald Trump’s comb-over

Economic emancipation

Free the wage slaves

Notice that they are in alphabetical order from A through F. The first player starts and says a sentence including the A word (“Anarchy”). The second person comes up with a sentence using the B word; third person uses C and so on. Anyone who hesitates coming up with a new sentence incorporating the correct word has to drink and then start again with a sentence using the A word.

AcidCow

Bonus: If any player comes up with an ideologically pure sentence incorporating all Six Glorious Revolutionary Words/Phrases, everyone else has to down their whole drink. When you are finished, type up all your sentences and issue your Manifesto!