There are no official guidelines for what your sex life is supposed to look like after having kids — but even so, you might find yourself wondering what you have to look forward to (or dread) or if your experience as a parent is ~normal~.
To show that there is no normal when it comes to sex after kids, we asked people of all ages, genders, and sexualities to describe the nitty-gritty of what their sex lives looked like after they became parents.
Here's what they said.
1. "Now that we've had kids and he's seen my vagina at its literal worst and still thinks I'm sexy, there's no self-consciousness."
"Especially now that we've had kids and he's seen my vagina at its literal worst and still thinks I'm sexy, there's no self-consciousness or hesitation to express ourselves, to try new things, or to let each other know what we are needing at the moment. I think most long-term couples forget how important foreplay is. We still have oral sex every time we are intimate. I know what he likes, and he knows what I like — both the long-haul and quickie versions. It's been YEARS since I've had sex with my husband without coming to orgasm."
—Anonymous, age 30, married eight years, four kids
2. "It's so easy to lose the tenderness between both of us working full-time and taking care of our daughter."
"I use the app PTracker to keep track of when my husband and I have sex. It's really helpful to see how often we're having sex (usually between once and twice a week) because it's so easy to lose the tenderness between both of us working full-time and taking care of our daughter."
—Katie, age 27, married four years, one kid
3. "It is a constant struggle to keep up with the intimacy."
"If I don’t actively TRY to keep our sex life interesting and add variety, we will go six to eight weeks without it. Right now, we have it once a week on Saturday nights for about 20 minutes. It is a constant struggle to keep up with the intimacy. Life is so busy, and having kids is exhausting, so we work at our relationship every day."
—Kaileigh, age 26, married 5 years, one kid
4. "We also will meet in up in closets, pantries, and even the garage to sneak in a quickie."
"It’s difficult having two toddlers but we make a game out of it with code words and secret meetings. For example, my husband will ask for hot chocolate if he wants sex and hot chocolate with marshmallows if he wants sex and head. We also will meet in up in closets, pantries, and even the garage to sneak in a quickie."
—Chantell, age 27, married three years, two kids
5. "'Wrestling matches' can last anywhere from 10–60 minutes, depending on interruptions."
"We have sex once or twice a week, late at night after kids are in bed or early in mornings while they're still asleep. 'Wrestling matches' can last anywhere from 10–60 minutes, depending on interruptions or suspected interruptions. I think our sex life was probably more adventurous prior to the kids, but still great overall."
—Anonymous, age 39, married 12 years, three kids
6. "Sometimes we’re on fire and other times we’ve had to physically put it on our calendars and schedule sex."
"I guess you could say our sex life goes through seasons and cycles. Sometimes we’re on fire and other times we’ve had to physically put it on our calendars and schedule sex. A lot of those seasons tend to fluctuate based on our children. We’ve got three kids between the ages of 1 and 10 and their stages, especially during the baby/toddler years, changed how and when we’ve had sex. We used to have no problem going to town whenever or wherever we wanted but now we have to be more careful because we don’t want one of them to walk in on us. Because of this, sex usually takes place in our room after everyone else has gone to sleep."
—Anonymous, age 32, married 13 years, three kids
7. "We much as we love our kids, they're THE. BIGGEST. COCKBLOCKS. EVER."
"We just try to get it in, then get a good night's sleep, tbh. So we maybe do it once a month for 15 minutes. We’ll save our wild sexcapades for when the kids are away for the weekend, because as much as we love those little nuggets, they’re THE. BIGGEST. COCKBLOCKS. EVER."
—Victoria, age 35, married nine years, three kids
8. "I hate that we don't have that intimacy anymore but I don't really see it changing right now."
"It's been five months since we had sex. Since the second of our two small children arrived, we've basically had sex twice. I'm terribly unhappy about it and so is my husband, but I'm scared to get pregnant again (two pregnancies on birth control) and he refuses to get a vasectomy. Plus our baby isn't a good sleeper and is still in a crib in our room. I hate that we don't have that intimacy anymore but I don't really see it changing right now."
—Anonymous, age 36, married five years, two kids
9. "Everyone orgasms, there's no messing around, you have a goal, you achieve it, you roll over, fart, and go back to sleep."
"Married sex is awesome. Everyone orgasms, there's no messing around, you have a goal, you achieve it, you roll over, fart, and go back to sleep. You don't have to worry about 'looking sexy' because you know you're sexy to each other. Gotta pee? Say so. Gotta fart? Say so. Want chocolate milk afterwards? That's cool. Have a zit bothering you? Foreplay."
—Anonymous, age 28, married nine years, three kids
10. "When you're considering the mortgage vs. orgasm equation, sex always gets left behind."
"We have sex about once every two or three months and it is a super low-key thing lasting about 25–30 mins. My partner has little to no interest in sex. We lead stressful lives — low-paying careers, few resources, etc. — and sex is always the one thing we neglect. To further complicate things, I work 9–5 and he works third shift so we rarely even get to sleep in the the same bed. Our lack of intimacy has seriously affected our relationship but when you're considering the mortgage vs. orgasm equation, sex always gets left behind."
—Anonymous, age 48, married 18 years, one kid
11. "Eighty percent of the time it's a quickie and just for my husband, but we both benefit because it helps our relationship."
"We have sex every three days (if not every other). It lasts under five minutes. Two if it's just my husband. Eighty percent of the time it's a quickie and just for my husband, but we both benefit because it helps our relationship. When we are having a hard time emotionally, I find more frequent sex helps both of us, and that's why I'm okay making the first move even if it's not 'about me.' Also, 95% of the time when I'm in it for myself, I use a vibrator...no pressure for either of us. I'd recommend it!"
—Anne, married three years, two kids
12. "We now have sex on our couch in our living room because our child will wake up if there is any noise at all."
"We currently have a 1-year-old sleeping in a crib in our room, so we now have sex on our couch in our living room because our child will wake up if there is any noise at all. Also, my wife had three severe tears during childbirth that have affected how we have sex. Certain positions are now extremely painful for her, and it took a while for her to be comfortable with her body, especially while she was still breastfeeding (nothing quite like milk leaking EVERYWHERE during sex, let me tell you). Despite all of this we are working to rebuild our sex life and adapt to our new normal, so hope is not lost on us married folks with two kids!"
—Jess, age 24, married three years, two kids
13. "We were so stressed with parenting and schedules."
"When our kids were younger, our sex life was HORRIBLE. I am not exaggerating! Sex once or twice a month, always rushed, always the same position, never any excitement. We were so stressed with parenting and schedules. I began to think that our sex life would always be like this. However, in the past few years, my husband and I have communicated with each other better and now our sex life is pretty amazing! We coordinate with each other's schedules/with the kids' schedules so we know when we have free alone time. Now we don't rush, we make sure to include foreplay, and we COMMUNICATE."
—Michelle, age 45, married 15 years, two kids
14. "We try to create variety, but with two kids, we're mostly just happy to spend time alone."
"My husband and I have sex at least once in the morning and once at night, every day. We try to create variety in terms of position, but with two kids, we're mostly just happy to use a special part of each morning and night to spend time alone. Marriage has really only strengthened our sex life, which is wonderful in itself."
—Anonymous, age 26, married five years, two kids
15. "Going off birth control to make our kids was some of the hottest sex we had."
"If we’re having sex at least once a week then we’re doing good. It’s less often than when we first married but it’s still hot. Going off birth control to make our kids was some of the hottest sex we had, just knowing that it could lead to a baby. Sometimes we schedule sex on our calendars to be funny and let the other one know we’re interested but most of the time it’s unplanned and just because the other one looks hot."
—Taylor, age 35, married eight years, two kids
16. "It's like having a lifetime supply of Häagen-Dazs in your freezer; you know it's always there."
"There is no 'typical' sex. It can be a quickie over the nearest item of furniture or a long, drawn-out two-hour session. It's all about opportunity and energy levels and priorities. The initial insane lust part hasn't died so much as it's more under control. It's like having a lifetime supply of Häagen-Dazs in your freezer; you know it's always there."
—Isabel, age 39, married four years, two kids
17. "When I read Fifty Shades of Grey (I know, I know), it changed everything."
"My husband and I have very high sex drives even after all these years. We did it everywhere; in the car on the way to work or under a blanket when watching a family movie with the kids. Something I will give my husband a hand job under the table at family reunions because it’s exciting. We recently got into BDSM and I have penetrated my husband with a dildo and he has tied me up and beat me with a whip. It is so invigorating to do those things even in our eighties. When I read Fifty Shades of Grey (I know, I know), it changed everything. We used to do it a lot but it was very 'vanilla.' With Fifty Shades, we are exploring new things and finding new ways to pleasure each other."
—Julie, age 81, married 45 years, three kids and two grandkids
18. "We can do it four or five times one week and then suddenly, it's been like two months without it and we're like, 'Wait, what!?'"
"Our sex life is a roller coaster. We can do it four or five times one week and then suddenly, it's been like two months without it and we're like, 'Wait, what!?' Typically sex lasts about five minutes once it gets going. I would say it's just like most people, we were way more adventurous about it in the first years of dating, but kids, familiarity, lack of need to show off calms it all down."
—Tiffany, age 31, married six years, six kids
19. "Sometimes it’s boring, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s hot and passionate, sometimes it’s not."
"We’ve been married a long time and so I can tell you that it ebbs and flows and is always changing. Sometimes it’s boring, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s hot and passionate, sometimes it’s not. Our routine has also changed over the years as the kids have gotten older and we have more freedom."
—Anonymous, married 24 years, four kids
20. "We have sex once a week, around 9 or 10 p.m., for maybe five minutes."
"We have sex once a week, around 9 or 10 p.m., for maybe five minutes. Zero variety — it’s plummeted since getting married, same position, so boring I want to jump out of the window before it’s even over."
—Jackie, age, 39, married less than a year, four kids
21. "Marriage and kids don't have to mean boring routines. Who else can you be completely open and kinky with if not your spouse?!"
"We have sex a few times a week, any time we can! Sometimes it’s a sneaky quickie, other times it’s the full show from foreplay to...well you know how sex typically ends, right? Even when we are quick, our goal is for both of us to climax. Then there are times that we set the mood right, play with one another’s fantasies, and explore our imaginations. Marriage doesn’t have to mean boring routines. Who else can you be completely open and kinky with if not your spouse?!"
—Janine, age 28, married five years, two kids
Submissions have been lightly edited for length and/or clarity.